another feverish day

  The sun rose this morning and still I felt like the weight of the world was sitting on my chest and I almost thought it was my time to leave this life but I thought the more I refuse the priest to give me my last rites.Death would not follow in behind him. There are days where the fever brings such delusions that are far fetched and make me want to  just close my eyes and wish them away but then my fever breaks for a little while and I am back to somewhat normal until my fever goes back to dangerous heights it is like a vicious cycle that I have to endure

Taken ill

   In the last few weeks since being home from versailles. I have taken ill with fever and sweats and my bones ache with such pain. I have not been able to lay eyes on my beautiful son in days and that makes my heart ache. My brother Frederic had come to visit and had asked if I wanted the Dr's to bleed me and to be quite honest I thought it would harm more then it would help. I trust the women who use herbs from the garden then a dr who seems to use things that can hurt me more then harm me. I have seen way to many die of something that I think could have been helped.
   When I do get from the bed to sit in the window and take in the summer air I try keep my mind away from death. I wonder with this sickness is this the end for me. Is this where my life will end being the wife of a man who I no longer see much anymore.Mother to a boy who I hope will grow into a great man and do great things and then when I think I am a good place with my thoughts a coughing fit starts and back to bed Mary brings me telling me to rest and drink some of the medicine that she has for me. I ask her about Christian and how he is doing and are they making sure he is getting enough air. She keeps me much updated to everything that he is doing. I have seen the four walls of my room more then I like to but I am being kept in only one room in the house because I do not want to spread my sickness among my staff and son. I assume that if I live through this sickness they will burn the sheets that I lay on.
 
 

thoughts in my garden

Today I worked in my garden with my little one by my side in his basinett.He seemed so quiet all day and not very fussy which is nice because for the past few weeks he has been very ill but I have had a Dr come and see him and it seemed it was a passing illness. My heart would have been broken had he taken ill and passed on. I have lossed so much already to lose him would leave me a sad women.  I have spent a great deal of time in between Choisy and Versailles working on the assignments her royal highness assigns me. I do miss her day to day tasks for me but working on the other things she is into makes me very happy to serve her. It means more time with christian and more time to be out of the court life. I know the more I am away from court the more my power can fade and honestly I feel like it has already but I guess when court returns to versailles we shall see how true that is.
   

reflections of a year

Life has started to be normal.As normal as it can be for me. I have spent a lot of time reflecting on things and I think about  this time last year. I was in Morocco taking in the splendors of the people and the atmosphere. Enjoying my studies and occasionally getting visits from friends and here I am now a comtesse to a missing Comte. A mother to a beautiful son and a lady in waiting to a very kind princess. I have to admit life is better then it could have been with my father being in debt and my future looking quite bleak at my entrance of court. I have to admit everything has went so fast it makes me wonder where has the year gone.
    The parts that sadden me most is that both my cousins who were my strength upon entering court are no longer with me. One taking care of a mistake he made back home and the other buried in the cold ground for eternity. I pray God as mercy on her and at least lets her spend some time in purgatory. she was a good person who made such a bad decision. One misguided permanent mistake should not wipe away her good deeds. I have to admit though my brother came at the right time when i would need him most.
     I have not cause much scandal I am trying to keep things very hush hush in my life because I personally do not like scandal at all and it is not something that makes me life easier at all. If anything it looks badly on my son and at this moment his future matters more then my happiness.