Visiting with the Duc and Duchess

       I awoke this morning feeling very happy and wanting to see the sunrise. I walked through my palace and outside in my night dress and smelled the beautiful smells all around me. The sun rose and the sight of it was breath taking just seeing the yellowing orange light the sky in the midst of darkness makes me feel as if this is a sight only I am seeing and its Gods gift to me. I knew I should get back to my room before the servants where moving about in more parts of the house then just the kitchen. I made my way back to my room without being seen and there waiting for me was Mary.My wonderful servant who helps me with everything. She had already laid out the clothes for the day for me to wear and had christian in her arms still sleeping. I kissed my dear boy on his head  while he lay in her arms and he stirred a little bit but not much. I  dressed in my favorite blue day dress which I try to actually keep on well into the night because it is the most comfortable I think.

     After I have dressed I take my beautiful boy in my arms and we went for a walk around the estate. After a while I found myself at my brothers estate and thought I would stop in for a visit. Sometimes it is nicer to take in your country side then getting in a carriage and making some big entrance. Also I love coming unannounced to my brothers house.yes very rude but in the end always a nice suprise. While at their house we discussed many things. My salon earlier in the week and some other things that needed to be put out the  way  but over all a wonderful visit.

love of power

   "My queen" still whispers in my ear as I lays down next to him. I  look at him while he sleep  and play with his hair and think if ever found out the rumors shall spread like wildfire. What is this weakness for men of power? I tried very hard to be good and righteous but it seems a friendship which is all it started out to be with the Comte de Provence has turned into more then just a friendship of people who love to read and eat sweet desserts. It has turned into another affair that is marking my life in direction that I am not even sure is good or bad.

    He isn't anything as the rumors say he is much more. A virgin he is not and he has a appetite for other things then just dessert and one day what a king he may make. We discuss things going on with the kingdom and thing he wishes to one day do if ever given the chance and I hope that he does get to do those things because he has great plans for his kingdom.
   It all started as just a kiss in the library which we both denied because in the end telling the truth would spell much trouble for me and really none for him. I am the one taking the risk.Although I am not the one who started it all. I mean I have just been myself. Speaking like a educated women and not like a women who was only taught to entertain at salons for my husbands friends in their leisure time. There is more to me and more to women then that. I think.
   I tried very hard to deny him and his beautiful smile and his laughter that  also makes you smile in your saddest moods can make you melt. I am familiar with forbidden love. I know it well but there is something about it that is alluring and sends passionate shivers down my spine and gives me a feeling that I can't explain and it feels good to be loved by someone...once again.

  

Meeting trouble again

I arrived at the games in a mood that I had not felt in a long time. It was the mood of joy that I used to have before all my troubles began and upon my arrival...I stared trouble right in the face once again. Although I was taken by surprise and a bit of anger at first I did not let it destroy my night and I went on and had the most childish fun of being the judge in a race in the hall of mirrors. It made me laugh till it hurt and even made my face ache from smiling so much. I drank champagne  to extend this happiness and at that time I was apporached by the Duc...the father of my son. He asked to speak with me in private and to the anger of my brother,the shock of my sister in law and the shock of my niece I obliged him.
   Upon walking in a room lit by few candles he asked about Christian and I told him of his delivery and of his health. I told him what a special and wonderful child he is only a few weeks old. He seemed to have changed since our last meeting.He seemed to care more about what was to come of the child we made. I do think the child should not suffer for the sins of his parents and he felt the same way. There is something he said that summed up our whole conversation and I agreed with him wholeheartedly. In his words he said
"I hope we can carry on, as civil as we can, as if this never happened, for the child must not be tormented, as neither should we. You will find in me, a friend madame, should you need anything, I will be here, but alas, friend is all I can offer now, as we both saw and felt more than we should in the past..which lead us to our torment"

That night he met Christian for the first time and held him in his arms. Although this man had put me through much pain and heart ache and left me to endure a lot on my own.It was that moment that softened my heart for him once more. The smile he gave his son warmed my heart for him in a friendly way because I want not to put myself through that torment ever again. What shall happen from here on out I am not sure but I pray that things between he and I ...things between christian and him go in a way that would please all those involved in a Godly manner.

My new joy

The one person who I love even more then myself is my beautiful healthy song. Christian louis de Fiennes. Although the labor was attended by few it was those few who have made seeing him come into the world  even better with their presence and encouragement.  I have never seen eyes and looks on a person who made my heart flutter with such delight. I have spent my time away from versailles to spend my time with him and what a joyus time it has been I must return to my duties soon though. I went to a tea for Madame Victoire as my first time back into society since the birth of my son and the whole time my mind was on him and what was he doing for the nanny that I hired to care for him when I am away.  My brothers has seen his dear nephew but the person I want to meet him the most shall not meet him for some time. I have sent a letter to my mother telling her of the birth of the child.I hope to receive a letter from her soon. Joy has entered my world after a darkness of was put upon it for some time. 

he has come...finally

EC scribbles in her journal while the baby sleeps

He has finally arrived. My beautiful son who kept his mother in pain and delirious for days is finally here and he is a wonderful site to set your eyes upon. I still do not understand why women go through this more then once because the pain is unbearable and the long months of waiting are not without hardship but oh the reward that is given in the end is a one of great joy. Regardless of the circumstances on how they have come to be.
 Christian Louis de Fiennes should be fiercely protected and loved immensely by all who set eyes on him. Whenever my husband finally arrives in choisy he will see his heir and hopefully fall in love with his as I have or he may hide in his building either way I should be happy with the new arrival

worries of a comtesse

As the time draws near. I feel myself becoming more and more ill. I have had some good days and in those days I attend to my duties at court and I try to be pleasant but with this pregnancy I have seemed to miss a lot. My brother has asked the Mlle Charlotte Martine Gramont to marry him and I couldn't be more excited for them both. I approve of this marriage way more then I did  of the one my brother was to have before.

  I know it sounds as if I am being mean but the women who was to have married my brother was not right for him my mother did not like her and I did not. It is said that she went o a convent after all her behavior was exposed. I have to say for someone who has had to visit a convent it can be a experience  where one can put life and values in perspective.
  

Letter to F

F,

 I was suprised by your visit, Honestly I thought when you said you would return to your duties and go about doing what you do for the crown and never speak to me again. Then again it is more so that I would have preffered it that way. I have the best part of you and seeing you was something I could have done without. You have your path with your children and your life. While you got to escape this world that we live in I am the one who has to endure it. I have to endure the whispers or the outright speech of what we have done. I am the one with the evidence of what has gone on between us and you. Well you get to deal with only your wife and children.You get to deal with your duties and that alone. I know I sound as if I hate you but that is not the case. I still love you more then I should. I just think you are cruel and selfish. It does lead me to question what we had.What was it to you? The behavior you had when you visited I am not sure.  I would like if you laid eyes on the child at least once after it is born and then when he or she marries like we agreed.

  I will end this letter because there is no more to write and nothing left for me to say. If you return a letter that would answer my questions. I could be more content but I do not expect that from you. 

E.C.