Taken ill

   In the last few weeks since being home from versailles. I have taken ill with fever and sweats and my bones ache with such pain. I have not been able to lay eyes on my beautiful son in days and that makes my heart ache. My brother Frederic had come to visit and had asked if I wanted the Dr's to bleed me and to be quite honest I thought it would harm more then it would help. I trust the women who use herbs from the garden then a dr who seems to use things that can hurt me more then harm me. I have seen way to many die of something that I think could have been helped.
   When I do get from the bed to sit in the window and take in the summer air I try keep my mind away from death. I wonder with this sickness is this the end for me. Is this where my life will end being the wife of a man who I no longer see much anymore.Mother to a boy who I hope will grow into a great man and do great things and then when I think I am a good place with my thoughts a coughing fit starts and back to bed Mary brings me telling me to rest and drink some of the medicine that she has for me. I ask her about Christian and how he is doing and are they making sure he is getting enough air. She keeps me much updated to everything that he is doing. I have seen the four walls of my room more then I like to but I am being kept in only one room in the house because I do not want to spread my sickness among my staff and son. I assume that if I live through this sickness they will burn the sheets that I lay on.
 
 

thoughts in my garden

Today I worked in my garden with my little one by my side in his basinett.He seemed so quiet all day and not very fussy which is nice because for the past few weeks he has been very ill but I have had a Dr come and see him and it seemed it was a passing illness. My heart would have been broken had he taken ill and passed on. I have lossed so much already to lose him would leave me a sad women.  I have spent a great deal of time in between Choisy and Versailles working on the assignments her royal highness assigns me. I do miss her day to day tasks for me but working on the other things she is into makes me very happy to serve her. It means more time with christian and more time to be out of the court life. I know the more I am away from court the more my power can fade and honestly I feel like it has already but I guess when court returns to versailles we shall see how true that is.
   

reflections of a year

Life has started to be normal.As normal as it can be for me. I have spent a lot of time reflecting on things and I think about  this time last year. I was in Morocco taking in the splendors of the people and the atmosphere. Enjoying my studies and occasionally getting visits from friends and here I am now a comtesse to a missing Comte. A mother to a beautiful son and a lady in waiting to a very kind princess. I have to admit life is better then it could have been with my father being in debt and my future looking quite bleak at my entrance of court. I have to admit everything has went so fast it makes me wonder where has the year gone.
    The parts that sadden me most is that both my cousins who were my strength upon entering court are no longer with me. One taking care of a mistake he made back home and the other buried in the cold ground for eternity. I pray God as mercy on her and at least lets her spend some time in purgatory. she was a good person who made such a bad decision. One misguided permanent mistake should not wipe away her good deeds. I have to admit though my brother came at the right time when i would need him most.
     I have not cause much scandal I am trying to keep things very hush hush in my life because I personally do not like scandal at all and it is not something that makes me life easier at all. If anything it looks badly on my son and at this moment his future matters more then my happiness.

Visiting with the Duc and Duchess

       I awoke this morning feeling very happy and wanting to see the sunrise. I walked through my palace and outside in my night dress and smelled the beautiful smells all around me. The sun rose and the sight of it was breath taking just seeing the yellowing orange light the sky in the midst of darkness makes me feel as if this is a sight only I am seeing and its Gods gift to me. I knew I should get back to my room before the servants where moving about in more parts of the house then just the kitchen. I made my way back to my room without being seen and there waiting for me was Mary.My wonderful servant who helps me with everything. She had already laid out the clothes for the day for me to wear and had christian in her arms still sleeping. I kissed my dear boy on his head  while he lay in her arms and he stirred a little bit but not much. I  dressed in my favorite blue day dress which I try to actually keep on well into the night because it is the most comfortable I think.

     After I have dressed I take my beautiful boy in my arms and we went for a walk around the estate. After a while I found myself at my brothers estate and thought I would stop in for a visit. Sometimes it is nicer to take in your country side then getting in a carriage and making some big entrance. Also I love coming unannounced to my brothers house.yes very rude but in the end always a nice suprise. While at their house we discussed many things. My salon earlier in the week and some other things that needed to be put out the  way  but over all a wonderful visit.

love of power

   "My queen" still whispers in my ear as I lays down next to him. I  look at him while he sleep  and play with his hair and think if ever found out the rumors shall spread like wildfire. What is this weakness for men of power? I tried very hard to be good and righteous but it seems a friendship which is all it started out to be with the Comte de Provence has turned into more then just a friendship of people who love to read and eat sweet desserts. It has turned into another affair that is marking my life in direction that I am not even sure is good or bad.

    He isn't anything as the rumors say he is much more. A virgin he is not and he has a appetite for other things then just dessert and one day what a king he may make. We discuss things going on with the kingdom and thing he wishes to one day do if ever given the chance and I hope that he does get to do those things because he has great plans for his kingdom.
   It all started as just a kiss in the library which we both denied because in the end telling the truth would spell much trouble for me and really none for him. I am the one taking the risk.Although I am not the one who started it all. I mean I have just been myself. Speaking like a educated women and not like a women who was only taught to entertain at salons for my husbands friends in their leisure time. There is more to me and more to women then that. I think.
   I tried very hard to deny him and his beautiful smile and his laughter that  also makes you smile in your saddest moods can make you melt. I am familiar with forbidden love. I know it well but there is something about it that is alluring and sends passionate shivers down my spine and gives me a feeling that I can't explain and it feels good to be loved by someone...once again.

  

Meeting trouble again

I arrived at the games in a mood that I had not felt in a long time. It was the mood of joy that I used to have before all my troubles began and upon my arrival...I stared trouble right in the face once again. Although I was taken by surprise and a bit of anger at first I did not let it destroy my night and I went on and had the most childish fun of being the judge in a race in the hall of mirrors. It made me laugh till it hurt and even made my face ache from smiling so much. I drank champagne  to extend this happiness and at that time I was apporached by the Duc...the father of my son. He asked to speak with me in private and to the anger of my brother,the shock of my sister in law and the shock of my niece I obliged him.
   Upon walking in a room lit by few candles he asked about Christian and I told him of his delivery and of his health. I told him what a special and wonderful child he is only a few weeks old. He seemed to have changed since our last meeting.He seemed to care more about what was to come of the child we made. I do think the child should not suffer for the sins of his parents and he felt the same way. There is something he said that summed up our whole conversation and I agreed with him wholeheartedly. In his words he said
"I hope we can carry on, as civil as we can, as if this never happened, for the child must not be tormented, as neither should we. You will find in me, a friend madame, should you need anything, I will be here, but alas, friend is all I can offer now, as we both saw and felt more than we should in the past..which lead us to our torment"

That night he met Christian for the first time and held him in his arms. Although this man had put me through much pain and heart ache and left me to endure a lot on my own.It was that moment that softened my heart for him once more. The smile he gave his son warmed my heart for him in a friendly way because I want not to put myself through that torment ever again. What shall happen from here on out I am not sure but I pray that things between he and I ...things between christian and him go in a way that would please all those involved in a Godly manner.

My new joy

The one person who I love even more then myself is my beautiful healthy song. Christian louis de Fiennes. Although the labor was attended by few it was those few who have made seeing him come into the world  even better with their presence and encouragement.  I have never seen eyes and looks on a person who made my heart flutter with such delight. I have spent my time away from versailles to spend my time with him and what a joyus time it has been I must return to my duties soon though. I went to a tea for Madame Victoire as my first time back into society since the birth of my son and the whole time my mind was on him and what was he doing for the nanny that I hired to care for him when I am away.  My brothers has seen his dear nephew but the person I want to meet him the most shall not meet him for some time. I have sent a letter to my mother telling her of the birth of the child.I hope to receive a letter from her soon. Joy has entered my world after a darkness of was put upon it for some time.