A father is the one that stares at him with pride

   When I finally got time to spend with my husband all he told me of his whereabouts was that he was in Italy picking out art for the house which was all the explanation that I needed. He is a man and he is able to roam where he wants and I do not bother him about it because what right do I have after the things I have done. Here is the only place I can be truthful about my past because in court honesty is not the best policy.  After we discussed many things going on at court and the things that he has to do to be back in favor with the king and the Royal family.  I introduced him to his heir...his son. The one that carries his last name and from what I saw he adored him upon laying eyes on him. I assume the same way he would have looked on his daughter had she lived. He seemed proud to carry on his name regardless of what is whispered in the hall of mirrors.  He asked of his birth and I told him everything that happened omitting some details he did not need to know. In the end  Christians father is the one who cares for him most and loves him best.Watches with pure pride as he grows and is there to be a good man to the child who deserves a good father. Leonard is more then what I deserve. I will pray to  God for my sins and return to doing confession once again now that my husband has returned. I shall do right by him and hope that my ways will subside and not continue again

New beginnings

   My fever passed just time for court to start and for me to take a few days to get well. I know I will not be at my best when court starts but I should be almost there. When I finally got out from my bed all the sheets were changed and I was given a  bath and it was quite nice to feel so refreshed after being ill for so long.  Mary came to dress me with my favorite dress and my cross.She said I should  wear it and thank God that I made it through my illness because not everyone is so lucky as I. I agreed with her and  put it on and looked in the mirror as she dressed me and felt happy to be in my clothes again although I could do without the corset at times. I smiled at Mary as she finished dressing me and when she was  about to start on my hair. I told her that was all right that I would do it myself and she seemed surprised at that but there are times I prefer to do thing for my self. She backed away and then told me she would get christian ready for my arrival. 
    I picked up a brush and began brushing my hair which after a while became tiring and I wish I had not dismissed Mary so soon but now that she is gone. I can not call for her back because I yearn to see my son more then I want my hair brushed. I laid my head in my hand and closed my eyes praying to myself that there was a way I can get my strength back. It seemed my prayers were answered quickly because I felt a hand on my shoulder  that was heavy but  rested on my shoulder lightly. I was alarmed but something about the touch of the person seemed familiar. I lifted my head and opened my eye and for a second I thought I was still feverish because before me stood my husband. I could not utter a word because I was overjoyed just to see him. I embraced him my hair and cried because that was all I could do.With all that I have done there was still love for this man I had in my heart. When I finally stopped my crying and hugging him he sat next to me and did not say a word. Mary brought in christian and  I held him in my arms. Feeling somewhat whole with all of my family in a room together. It is nice to have new beginning.
   Although there was much to talk about with my husband and much time to spend with my husband. My duty to the crown comes before them both. Mary had told me that there was a package waiting for me in my study and it looked like it seemed something important. When I arrived it was indeed a a package sealed from that of someone of Royal Importance. I opened the letter and read

Comtesse de Chatellerau,
        I hope you are in the best of health. It has gotten back to me that you read to my relative books and discuss things that aren't always of a pleasant nature and I would like that to change. She should be read pre approved classics and the things that should be discussed are things that women should talk about and not things that do not concern women. I hope you do understand. Good day Madam

Reading the pre approved books

I looked through the package for a name but there was  none. They had sent me pre approved books that I skimmed through as I watched my son sleep and thought to myself while reading them these books are such a bore and thought of the books I would bring from my library to read to her royal highness.

another feverish day

  The sun rose this morning and still I felt like the weight of the world was sitting on my chest and I almost thought it was my time to leave this life but I thought the more I refuse the priest to give me my last rites.Death would not follow in behind him. There are days where the fever brings such delusions that are far fetched and make me want to  just close my eyes and wish them away but then my fever breaks for a little while and I am back to somewhat normal until my fever goes back to dangerous heights it is like a vicious cycle that I have to endure

Taken ill

   In the last few weeks since being home from versailles. I have taken ill with fever and sweats and my bones ache with such pain. I have not been able to lay eyes on my beautiful son in days and that makes my heart ache. My brother Frederic had come to visit and had asked if I wanted the Dr's to bleed me and to be quite honest I thought it would harm more then it would help. I trust the women who use herbs from the garden then a dr who seems to use things that can hurt me more then harm me. I have seen way to many die of something that I think could have been helped.
   When I do get from the bed to sit in the window and take in the summer air I try keep my mind away from death. I wonder with this sickness is this the end for me. Is this where my life will end being the wife of a man who I no longer see much anymore.Mother to a boy who I hope will grow into a great man and do great things and then when I think I am a good place with my thoughts a coughing fit starts and back to bed Mary brings me telling me to rest and drink some of the medicine that she has for me. I ask her about Christian and how he is doing and are they making sure he is getting enough air. She keeps me much updated to everything that he is doing. I have seen the four walls of my room more then I like to but I am being kept in only one room in the house because I do not want to spread my sickness among my staff and son. I assume that if I live through this sickness they will burn the sheets that I lay on.
 
 

thoughts in my garden

Today I worked in my garden with my little one by my side in his basinett.He seemed so quiet all day and not very fussy which is nice because for the past few weeks he has been very ill but I have had a Dr come and see him and it seemed it was a passing illness. My heart would have been broken had he taken ill and passed on. I have lossed so much already to lose him would leave me a sad women.  I have spent a great deal of time in between Choisy and Versailles working on the assignments her royal highness assigns me. I do miss her day to day tasks for me but working on the other things she is into makes me very happy to serve her. It means more time with christian and more time to be out of the court life. I know the more I am away from court the more my power can fade and honestly I feel like it has already but I guess when court returns to versailles we shall see how true that is.
   

reflections of a year

Life has started to be normal.As normal as it can be for me. I have spent a lot of time reflecting on things and I think about  this time last year. I was in Morocco taking in the splendors of the people and the atmosphere. Enjoying my studies and occasionally getting visits from friends and here I am now a comtesse to a missing Comte. A mother to a beautiful son and a lady in waiting to a very kind princess. I have to admit life is better then it could have been with my father being in debt and my future looking quite bleak at my entrance of court. I have to admit everything has went so fast it makes me wonder where has the year gone.
    The parts that sadden me most is that both my cousins who were my strength upon entering court are no longer with me. One taking care of a mistake he made back home and the other buried in the cold ground for eternity. I pray God as mercy on her and at least lets her spend some time in purgatory. she was a good person who made such a bad decision. One misguided permanent mistake should not wipe away her good deeds. I have to admit though my brother came at the right time when i would need him most.
     I have not cause much scandal I am trying to keep things very hush hush in my life because I personally do not like scandal at all and it is not something that makes me life easier at all. If anything it looks badly on my son and at this moment his future matters more then my happiness.

Visiting with the Duc and Duchess

       I awoke this morning feeling very happy and wanting to see the sunrise. I walked through my palace and outside in my night dress and smelled the beautiful smells all around me. The sun rose and the sight of it was breath taking just seeing the yellowing orange light the sky in the midst of darkness makes me feel as if this is a sight only I am seeing and its Gods gift to me. I knew I should get back to my room before the servants where moving about in more parts of the house then just the kitchen. I made my way back to my room without being seen and there waiting for me was Mary.My wonderful servant who helps me with everything. She had already laid out the clothes for the day for me to wear and had christian in her arms still sleeping. I kissed my dear boy on his head  while he lay in her arms and he stirred a little bit but not much. I  dressed in my favorite blue day dress which I try to actually keep on well into the night because it is the most comfortable I think.

     After I have dressed I take my beautiful boy in my arms and we went for a walk around the estate. After a while I found myself at my brothers estate and thought I would stop in for a visit. Sometimes it is nicer to take in your country side then getting in a carriage and making some big entrance. Also I love coming unannounced to my brothers house.yes very rude but in the end always a nice suprise. While at their house we discussed many things. My salon earlier in the week and some other things that needed to be put out the  way  but over all a wonderful visit.