another tragedy

This morning I was transported back to Choisy after the carriage accident and all I could do was cry because of the pain I felt in my body and face. I cried for my dead cousin as it seems death plagues our family. I did not want anyone to see my face not my brothers nor sisters and so far they have not. When I arrived Mary was there to greet me having been sent word before I arrived on what had happened and there was only her and Joseph who I let seem me in the state I was in. I could not stop myself from crying. I can be strong and sharp tongued when at court but now at this moment I was feeling beaten and broken.  Have I done something in a past life that I must pay for with such pain.

    After Mary washed and changed me cleaning my cuts as best she could.I was sent to bed and ordered them to let no one in not even my family if they arrive.Tell them that I will get to them when I have recovered some.I don't want anyone to see the cuts and the scars that have erased the beauty that was given to me by my mother. That night I sat in my chair in my room reflecting on my life and I started to think...would it have been better to be in debt and happy then rich and have a troubled heart. Then I remember why I submit to this life so much and it is for the women that saved my soul and in return I saved her life and even still I feel I can never repay her for the kindness that she gives me when all of court has already made up their minds not knowing anything of my life and struggles.

sickness

As I watched his eyes close and hear the little coughs.I knew I could not have boarded the coach that awaited me outside my house. I told them to go on with me and I looked over him several times and went down to the chapel inside of my home and prayed like I had never before.

Please God oh merciful one please don'e take my child at this time
he is young and not born the way you had intended but born nonetheless
and he should not be punished for the mistakes of his mother.

I prayed until the tears rolled down my eyes and I found myself on the floor still praying and crying. Jospeh one of the house servants got me off the floor and carried me to my room still sobbing. I have already lost so much this year.I did not want to lose him also.When I finally fell a sleep I dreamed of darkness and when I awoke my mind told me to rush to my son.Where he lay still sleep and still sick as the night went on.I watched him. I watched his little chest rise and fall for hours.

A father is the one that stares at him with pride

   When I finally got time to spend with my husband all he told me of his whereabouts was that he was in Italy picking out art for the house which was all the explanation that I needed. He is a man and he is able to roam where he wants and I do not bother him about it because what right do I have after the things I have done. Here is the only place I can be truthful about my past because in court honesty is not the best policy.  After we discussed many things going on at court and the things that he has to do to be back in favor with the king and the Royal family.  I introduced him to his heir...his son. The one that carries his last name and from what I saw he adored him upon laying eyes on him. I assume the same way he would have looked on his daughter had she lived. He seemed proud to carry on his name regardless of what is whispered in the hall of mirrors.  He asked of his birth and I told him everything that happened omitting some details he did not need to know. In the end  Christians father is the one who cares for him most and loves him best.Watches with pure pride as he grows and is there to be a good man to the child who deserves a good father. Leonard is more then what I deserve. I will pray to  God for my sins and return to doing confession once again now that my husband has returned. I shall do right by him and hope that my ways will subside and not continue again

New beginnings

   My fever passed just time for court to start and for me to take a few days to get well. I know I will not be at my best when court starts but I should be almost there. When I finally got out from my bed all the sheets were changed and I was given a  bath and it was quite nice to feel so refreshed after being ill for so long.  Mary came to dress me with my favorite dress and my cross.She said I should  wear it and thank God that I made it through my illness because not everyone is so lucky as I. I agreed with her and  put it on and looked in the mirror as she dressed me and felt happy to be in my clothes again although I could do without the corset at times. I smiled at Mary as she finished dressing me and when she was  about to start on my hair. I told her that was all right that I would do it myself and she seemed surprised at that but there are times I prefer to do thing for my self. She backed away and then told me she would get christian ready for my arrival. 
    I picked up a brush and began brushing my hair which after a while became tiring and I wish I had not dismissed Mary so soon but now that she is gone. I can not call for her back because I yearn to see my son more then I want my hair brushed. I laid my head in my hand and closed my eyes praying to myself that there was a way I can get my strength back. It seemed my prayers were answered quickly because I felt a hand on my shoulder  that was heavy but  rested on my shoulder lightly. I was alarmed but something about the touch of the person seemed familiar. I lifted my head and opened my eye and for a second I thought I was still feverish because before me stood my husband. I could not utter a word because I was overjoyed just to see him. I embraced him my hair and cried because that was all I could do.With all that I have done there was still love for this man I had in my heart. When I finally stopped my crying and hugging him he sat next to me and did not say a word. Mary brought in christian and  I held him in my arms. Feeling somewhat whole with all of my family in a room together. It is nice to have new beginning.
   Although there was much to talk about with my husband and much time to spend with my husband. My duty to the crown comes before them both. Mary had told me that there was a package waiting for me in my study and it looked like it seemed something important. When I arrived it was indeed a a package sealed from that of someone of Royal Importance. I opened the letter and read

Comtesse de Chatellerau,
        I hope you are in the best of health. It has gotten back to me that you read to my relative books and discuss things that aren't always of a pleasant nature and I would like that to change. She should be read pre approved classics and the things that should be discussed are things that women should talk about and not things that do not concern women. I hope you do understand. Good day Madam

Reading the pre approved books

I looked through the package for a name but there was  none. They had sent me pre approved books that I skimmed through as I watched my son sleep and thought to myself while reading them these books are such a bore and thought of the books I would bring from my library to read to her royal highness.