wanting something different

I tip toe around choisy at night when all have gone to bed thinking to myself…what the future shall hold. My husband and I have continued with the dinners but they are quite simple we discuss his building and then all that goes on at Versailles and then the baby which he doesn’t want to spend much time discussing and I understand that .When dinner is over he goes to continue with his build and I go to my study to work on something for Her Royale Highness victoire and that is all my life consists of. It seems rather boring. I wish that there was more to my life than this. I know I should be excited about the arrival of my child but even that has gotten boring I feel myself getting bigger and bigger and no one really seems to care except maybe the servants. I have to admit they do make my days so much easier in this state. Joseph and Mary my servants seem the most excited and the most attentive to my needs at this time. Mary talks with me when I am in need of company and my mother and brother are not visiting. I let her read many of my books so that we can have things to discuss or I can teach her. Joseph helps me garden and tells me stories about his village. Stories that I find interesting and sometimes wish that I had those same stories to think back on and talk with someone about them.

                What I remember from my childhood is my mother getting ready for a ball which seemed to be a weeklong affair of preparations. She seemed her most comfortable with the fashions of the time.  She would have all these beautiful things brought from Paris. Sweet smelling perfumes and the most beautiful gowns the servants laid out for her and the beautiful jewels she had that seemed to compliment everything she wore. I remember before she would have them prepare her hair she would let it fall down her back and how glorious her hair was. I knew as a child then that I wanted to be just as graceful as she was. It seems though that I am my father’s daughter because I have everything from his temper to his making decision with pure emotions. I sometimes think had I been a boy would I be in the same household as my older brother serving the dauphine.  My sweet brother who comes to see his sister even when he has many duties

                He has called off the wedding to Mademoiselle Chiverny for many different reasons I dare not ask for. Although I can understand why from my own encounters with her.  When it came to my husband and her courting it did not go very well. It has seemed over the past weeks that my brother had been stressing something and it seems now with the wedding off.He seems less tense and less ready to argue and defend. It is sad to say but I think it was the Mademoiselle who made him behave in such a way and I am glad to have him back to the way that I know him.

I have spent a lot of time reflecting on my life lately because it seemed since returning home I never really had the time to do that. I know for a while my child will soon have the life I had. A child born to a noble mother and father and will attend the best schools and then enter into society but unlike myself they will reach no scandal or harm because I plan to be there for them the whole way through.

awaiting a storm

    The wedding is off between my brother and that women. I was told by my brother before it was done that he could no longer go through with it. Something about the whole situation did not feel right and I have to go with him on emotions it did not feel right. She wanted into our family but did not like the people in it. She sort of came off to us as if she was doing us a favor by marrying into the family but she wasn't all her presence was going to bring nothing but a divide between many in my family it would have definitely drew a line between my brother and I relationship. I saw it the night we argued when I had arrived back from my spiritual retreat.
   I feel sad for my brother though because there is so much that might come down upon him seeing that the wedding was only days away and it seemed everyone thought that it was sealed and that their fate was locked into. I even thought that it was until I spoke with my brother and he voiced his concern and it is sad to go through life with someone you can't even be friends with. I have done my misdeeds but I am always happy of my decision of who I married because he was my friend before anything else. 
 I wonder will the women leave court it is actually the second time that she has been dismissed by a man at court the first being my husband before we were married he had shown interest in her and I thought they would marry but that did not end up being the case and the next being my brother. I can see why she hated me before but I think she will hate me much more now. I have a feeling that a dark cloud will come on court because of this and families will war with words and other things. I hope it passes quickly though.

Loyalty

   I was taught something years ago by my mother and for all the time that I have been at court I have held it to be true in what I do and how I act. You have to be loyal to king and country.You have to be loyal to your family the one you are born into and the one you marry into. You have to fiercely protect all of those.  There are some women at court who let others use them as a pawn in their games and with  that show that they have no integrity,no loyalty so in the end they are looked at as someone not to be dealt with. They are not being the women they should but more so a girl with no backbone.

fearlessly protective

  As time goes on and the pregnancy moves further along. I spend more time at choisy because it is the one place I feel at ease. I spend my days writing in my journal of the daily happenings of my life and  random thoughts that take over my mind and I feel the need to write them down. I have spent a great deal of time thinking about my family and how it will soon grow with another addition that is my own. I have made the carriage ride to Versailles but when I walk into Versailles for my duties with Her Royale Highness Victoire. I feel myself tense up and become stressed because I am trying not to let the anger get the best of me. I am trying my best to do what is best for my family. I feel as if we are being attacked by a curmudgeon old women who doesn’t want happiness for anyone. She seems to be home in her miserable state and wants everyone to follow suit. I shall not let that happen for me or my family. She has gotten to my niece who is new at court . I have to tell her when she is at court to grow a thick skin because there will be things that can lead her to cry but she must not show weakness ;she must not let them know she is vulnerable even if she is. The old women can smell fear and innocence and attacks it like a dog going after a bone thrown to them while the hungered.

The marriage of my brother is fast approaching and I am still not happy of the idea of Mademoiselle Chiverny becoming a Tancarville. She is the pet of a women  who seeks to make peoples lives miserable which make me wonder is this marriage a plot of some sort or a actual marriage of convenience like the many others that happen between nobility. I wonder if the old women is using  the mademoiselle as a pawn of some sort or her own personal enjoyment of entertainment. A sort of  play where the characters don’t quite know they are the entertainment of someone who could care less of the lives they destroy. I pray his marriage goes well and I worry for nothing because if I find that my brother ends up hurt from this marriage and is the fault of the chiverny women…I will come down on her as a wolf does a lamb in the meadow. She will never know the day nor the hour when I will strike. I pray it does not come to that and she does the duties that a wife should do for a husband but for my family who mean a lot to me. I would do anything to protect them from harm.

Calm

   Life has seemed to calm and my daily routines have finally taken over my life. Where I wake and enjoy a small breakfast before I head to versailles to do what ever Her Royale Highness Victoire wants to do. I have spoken with her recently about lots of different topics such as the slave trade and things that commoners think of nobility. It has led to some very interesting conversation between us. I personally take different stance then most when it comes to slavery as a necessary evil but I have always seemed to be different in that way. I have also spoke more with my husband and we have had more private dinners then we used to. He still spend s a great deal of his time building but he has set up some time for me so that I am not always alone.
   My brother Frederic comes by more to check up on me which is a lovely feeling because he is one of few men I trust. He is one of few people that I trust to be quite honest. He will be marrying soon and won't be able to spend time with me like he used to so I should cherish the moments that we do have before he is married to that women. I know I should be nice to her because she is my brothers happiness for the time being but something about her disturbs me.
   My mother has been very popular now that she is back at court. I guess for the older courtiers she is a light of what used to be. In some ways she is still old fashioned in her ways but I have to say they have done her well. She has told me that I need to curb my temper and I will try not to let people get to me in order for them to get some sick pleasure in seeing me upset. I have found myself letting go of certain things because in the end they really weren't worth holding onto. It is funny how a persons mind and heart can make things seem like they are more then what they really are.
   Today shall be quite eventful  I hope.