Saturday, April 28, 2012

wanting something different


I tip toe around choisy at night when all have gone to bed thinking to myself…what the future shall hold. My husband and I have continued with the dinners but they are quite simple we discuss his building and then all that goes on at Versailles and then the baby which he doesn’t want to spend much time discussing and I understand that .When dinner is over he goes to continue with his build and I go to my study to work on something for Her Royale Highness victoire and that is all my life consists of. It seems rather boring. I wish that there was more to my life than this. I know I should be excited about the arrival of my child but even that has gotten boring I feel myself getting bigger and bigger and no one really seems to care except maybe the servants. I have to admit they do make my days so much easier in this state. Joseph and Mary my servants seem the most excited and the most attentive to my needs at this time. Mary talks with me when I am in need of company and my mother and brother are not visiting. I let her read many of my books so that we can have things to discuss or I can teach her. Joseph helps me garden and tells me stories about his village. Stories that I find interesting and sometimes wish that I had those same stories to think back on and talk with someone about them.
                What I remember from my childhood is my mother getting ready for a ball which seemed to be a weeklong affair of preparations. She seemed her most comfortable with the fashions of the time.  She would have all these beautiful things brought from Paris. Sweet smelling perfumes and the most beautiful gowns the servants laid out for her and the beautiful jewels she had that seemed to compliment everything she wore. I remember before she would have them prepare her hair she would let it fall down her back and how glorious her hair was. I knew as a child then that I wanted to be just as graceful as she was. It seems though that I am my father’s daughter because I have everything from his temper to his making decision with pure emotions. I sometimes think had I been a boy would I be in the same household as my older brother serving the dauphine.  My sweet brother who comes to see his sister even when he has many duties
                He has called off the wedding to Mademoiselle Chiverny for many different reasons I dare not ask for. Although I can understand why from my own encounters with her.  When it came to my husband and her courting it did not go very well. It has seemed over the past weeks that my brother had been stressing something and it seems now with the wedding off.He seems less tense and less ready to argue and defend. It is sad to say but I think it was the Mademoiselle who made him behave in such a way and I am glad to have him back to the way that I know him.
I have spent a lot of time reflecting on my life lately because it seemed since returning home I never really had the time to do that. I know for a while my child will soon have the life I had. A child born to a noble mother and father and will attend the best schools and then enter into society but unlike myself they will reach no scandal or harm because I plan to be there for them the whole way through.

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