he has come...finally

EC scribbles in her journal while the baby sleeps

He has finally arrived. My beautiful son who kept his mother in pain and delirious for days is finally here and he is a wonderful site to set your eyes upon. I still do not understand why women go through this more then once because the pain is unbearable and the long months of waiting are not without hardship but oh the reward that is given in the end is a one of great joy. Regardless of the circumstances on how they have come to be.
 Christian Louis de Fiennes should be fiercely protected and loved immensely by all who set eyes on him. Whenever my husband finally arrives in choisy he will see his heir and hopefully fall in love with his as I have or he may hide in his building either way I should be happy with the new arrival

worries of a comtesse

As the time draws near. I feel myself becoming more and more ill. I have had some good days and in those days I attend to my duties at court and I try to be pleasant but with this pregnancy I have seemed to miss a lot. My brother has asked the Mlle Charlotte Martine Gramont to marry him and I couldn't be more excited for them both. I approve of this marriage way more then I did  of the one my brother was to have before.

  I know it sounds as if I am being mean but the women who was to have married my brother was not right for him my mother did not like her and I did not. It is said that she went o a convent after all her behavior was exposed. I have to say for someone who has had to visit a convent it can be a experience  where one can put life and values in perspective.
  

Letter to F

F,

 I was suprised by your visit, Honestly I thought when you said you would return to your duties and go about doing what you do for the crown and never speak to me again. Then again it is more so that I would have preffered it that way. I have the best part of you and seeing you was something I could have done without. You have your path with your children and your life. While you got to escape this world that we live in I am the one who has to endure it. I have to endure the whispers or the outright speech of what we have done. I am the one with the evidence of what has gone on between us and you. Well you get to deal with only your wife and children.You get to deal with your duties and that alone. I know I sound as if I hate you but that is not the case. I still love you more then I should. I just think you are cruel and selfish. It does lead me to question what we had.What was it to you? The behavior you had when you visited I am not sure.  I would like if you laid eyes on the child at least once after it is born and then when he or she marries like we agreed.

  I will end this letter because there is no more to write and nothing left for me to say. If you return a letter that would answer my questions. I could be more content but I do not expect that from you. 

E.C.

wanting something different

I tip toe around choisy at night when all have gone to bed thinking to myself…what the future shall hold. My husband and I have continued with the dinners but they are quite simple we discuss his building and then all that goes on at Versailles and then the baby which he doesn’t want to spend much time discussing and I understand that .When dinner is over he goes to continue with his build and I go to my study to work on something for Her Royale Highness victoire and that is all my life consists of. It seems rather boring. I wish that there was more to my life than this. I know I should be excited about the arrival of my child but even that has gotten boring I feel myself getting bigger and bigger and no one really seems to care except maybe the servants. I have to admit they do make my days so much easier in this state. Joseph and Mary my servants seem the most excited and the most attentive to my needs at this time. Mary talks with me when I am in need of company and my mother and brother are not visiting. I let her read many of my books so that we can have things to discuss or I can teach her. Joseph helps me garden and tells me stories about his village. Stories that I find interesting and sometimes wish that I had those same stories to think back on and talk with someone about them.

                What I remember from my childhood is my mother getting ready for a ball which seemed to be a weeklong affair of preparations. She seemed her most comfortable with the fashions of the time.  She would have all these beautiful things brought from Paris. Sweet smelling perfumes and the most beautiful gowns the servants laid out for her and the beautiful jewels she had that seemed to compliment everything she wore. I remember before she would have them prepare her hair she would let it fall down her back and how glorious her hair was. I knew as a child then that I wanted to be just as graceful as she was. It seems though that I am my father’s daughter because I have everything from his temper to his making decision with pure emotions. I sometimes think had I been a boy would I be in the same household as my older brother serving the dauphine.  My sweet brother who comes to see his sister even when he has many duties

                He has called off the wedding to Mademoiselle Chiverny for many different reasons I dare not ask for. Although I can understand why from my own encounters with her.  When it came to my husband and her courting it did not go very well. It has seemed over the past weeks that my brother had been stressing something and it seems now with the wedding off.He seems less tense and less ready to argue and defend. It is sad to say but I think it was the Mademoiselle who made him behave in such a way and I am glad to have him back to the way that I know him.

I have spent a lot of time reflecting on my life lately because it seemed since returning home I never really had the time to do that. I know for a while my child will soon have the life I had. A child born to a noble mother and father and will attend the best schools and then enter into society but unlike myself they will reach no scandal or harm because I plan to be there for them the whole way through.

awaiting a storm

    The wedding is off between my brother and that women. I was told by my brother before it was done that he could no longer go through with it. Something about the whole situation did not feel right and I have to go with him on emotions it did not feel right. She wanted into our family but did not like the people in it. She sort of came off to us as if she was doing us a favor by marrying into the family but she wasn't all her presence was going to bring nothing but a divide between many in my family it would have definitely drew a line between my brother and I relationship. I saw it the night we argued when I had arrived back from my spiritual retreat.
   I feel sad for my brother though because there is so much that might come down upon him seeing that the wedding was only days away and it seemed everyone thought that it was sealed and that their fate was locked into. I even thought that it was until I spoke with my brother and he voiced his concern and it is sad to go through life with someone you can't even be friends with. I have done my misdeeds but I am always happy of my decision of who I married because he was my friend before anything else. 
 I wonder will the women leave court it is actually the second time that she has been dismissed by a man at court the first being my husband before we were married he had shown interest in her and I thought they would marry but that did not end up being the case and the next being my brother. I can see why she hated me before but I think she will hate me much more now. I have a feeling that a dark cloud will come on court because of this and families will war with words and other things. I hope it passes quickly though.

Loyalty

   I was taught something years ago by my mother and for all the time that I have been at court I have held it to be true in what I do and how I act. You have to be loyal to king and country.You have to be loyal to your family the one you are born into and the one you marry into. You have to fiercely protect all of those.  There are some women at court who let others use them as a pawn in their games and with  that show that they have no integrity,no loyalty so in the end they are looked at as someone not to be dealt with. They are not being the women they should but more so a girl with no backbone.

fearlessly protective

  As time goes on and the pregnancy moves further along. I spend more time at choisy because it is the one place I feel at ease. I spend my days writing in my journal of the daily happenings of my life and  random thoughts that take over my mind and I feel the need to write them down. I have spent a great deal of time thinking about my family and how it will soon grow with another addition that is my own. I have made the carriage ride to Versailles but when I walk into Versailles for my duties with Her Royale Highness Victoire. I feel myself tense up and become stressed because I am trying not to let the anger get the best of me. I am trying my best to do what is best for my family. I feel as if we are being attacked by a curmudgeon old women who doesn’t want happiness for anyone. She seems to be home in her miserable state and wants everyone to follow suit. I shall not let that happen for me or my family. She has gotten to my niece who is new at court . I have to tell her when she is at court to grow a thick skin because there will be things that can lead her to cry but she must not show weakness ;she must not let them know she is vulnerable even if she is. The old women can smell fear and innocence and attacks it like a dog going after a bone thrown to them while the hungered.

The marriage of my brother is fast approaching and I am still not happy of the idea of Mademoiselle Chiverny becoming a Tancarville. She is the pet of a women  who seeks to make peoples lives miserable which make me wonder is this marriage a plot of some sort or a actual marriage of convenience like the many others that happen between nobility. I wonder if the old women is using  the mademoiselle as a pawn of some sort or her own personal enjoyment of entertainment. A sort of  play where the characters don’t quite know they are the entertainment of someone who could care less of the lives they destroy. I pray his marriage goes well and I worry for nothing because if I find that my brother ends up hurt from this marriage and is the fault of the chiverny women…I will come down on her as a wolf does a lamb in the meadow. She will never know the day nor the hour when I will strike. I pray it does not come to that and she does the duties that a wife should do for a husband but for my family who mean a lot to me. I would do anything to protect them from harm.