thoughts

My chateau is finally completed and I have moved into it. No more spying eyes around versailles. That also mean that I am away from him but closer to someone who is also my love but in a different way. I feel very conflicted since my coming home where my husband has been more attentive then he was when I lived at versailles. I do plan to make the carriage ride to versailles daily being that I am not to far. I assume in my later months of pregnancy I will have to choose a place to give birth and I prefer it to be choisy then versailles. The air at versailles can make a healty person ill.

I have missed him often and when he did come to choisy to sit with me for a while I loved the attention that he was giving me. I could have played my harpischord for days if he has aske me to. I write him letters but he does not seem to write back which makes me think maybe I should stop writing. His wife has returned so maybe it would be good that I do not write him like I have. I don't know what I would do if she had found my letter that I have written him.

A moment

I went to visit him to thank him for saving me and it was not the first time he had saved me from something that would harm me and I knew his heart was in it because he cared and what made it more amazing is that he felt "it". He felt what I had been feeling for days...Knowing something that we created was alive in me. I know I sound naive and eventually this love affair that I hold so close to my heart will crumble to pieces of my past but the moments that mean the most to me I will try to hold onto.So that when I am on my deathbed I will have a pleasant thoughts before everything fades into darkness.

I confess

I confessed today after Mass my mortal sins although for some of them I don't feel bad. Some of them make me burn with a passion and a fire that I have never felt before.Some make me weep in the quiet of the night. I just don't understand why life is so complicated.Why did I make it complicated.

Recently things have made me worried and tense and made reflect on my life and my time at Versailles. I am no longer as innocent as I once was. The person I look in the mirror is not the one who arrived off of ship ready to embrace the world with her mind.The thing that has caused my change was how Versailles can make a person. I have risen at court faster then expected.Faster then I expected really. I thought I would spend my days normally serving the kings mistress because that is what my King wanted me to do and I have no other choice but to do as he says.From that point on it seems things have gotten way more complicated and maybe I did not realize my rise until after my marriage. During the ball for lovers where I was pretty much on my own with no husband to dance with and no lover in sight there were pamphlets about the Royale Highness Comte d Artois and madame la Dauphine where thrown around before the week was out. I had been accused of spreading them by Comtesse Noailles. I went into a state of worry because whispers in the air spoke of exile and banishment.It would have bought shame to me and my family and that of my unborn child. I had done nothing wrong to deserve such lies to spread. I could not figure why she hated me so.

Single rose petal

I have found myself again in the gaze of someone I thought had moved on from what we had in the prior years...and some months ago when I had arrived at Versailles. I had suddenly gotten over him before meeting my husband and like that the flame was lit and we had one encounter before my marriage day and when my husband went away to his chateau.He saw what others did not because he was closer to me then anyone that I had ever known.The man who could be charming to all of court could be just as charming in the bed chambers. The man who with words could break you down could also build you up so that you feel more beautiful then the Greek Goddess Aphrodite. In private moments he is a smile to a dull day. I know it is wrong a mortal sin something that on judgement day I will speak for but I don't want to give up these moments of overwhelming pleasure,overwhelming happiness...something that feels like a lustful love.

I know for a fact now that the child I carry is not that of my husbands but of my lovers and though in that is a sin. I do not feel a ashamed at all for it. When I should but life is strange that way for me. Where things that should feel bad don't and things that are morally wrong make me feel so much better...is there something wrong with me...

Neglected wife

I has been months since my marriage and now that my husband has my dowry. He spends more time fixing up his chateau and I spend my days at Versailles being there for Comtesse du barry whenever she has a event although from time to time I host my own in the evening where HRH m le Comte de Provence and his wife attend. I suspect the wooing me part is over and real marriage starts. When my father wrote me when I was away from Versailles he could only tell me what would have been expected of me as a Mademoiselle and not as a married comtesse.I assume after going into debt.He would think I would not marry and become someones governess. Being a comtesse is something my mother can not teach me she was not a women who loved Versailles. So deep and devout in her catholic faith especially after my uncle dying she thought it was no place for a women but she is taken care of with her dowry that was something the debtors could not take from her.My siblings and I would only depend on ourselves and the name we were born with.
Although I write him and ask if he could come to Versailles to spend time with me he see's it better to stay where he is and he doesn't realize a women needs attention...A women needs some sort of love from someone. If only we could go back to being happy...if only there was still love. Like there was before...A once happy relationship crumbles from my fingers and I can not put back the pieces.At this moment in life. I really don't want to put the pieces back I want our relationship to be like it is for the others. A show to put on so that the others will believe we are happy when we are not.

Loves of another lifetime appear

I spent most of my days in my apartments and was finally able to get myself ready for the Madame La Dauphine's game night. I do not gamble but I go for the conversation and to hear the latest gossip.There was someone there that I did not expect. The person who is dear to my heart.I did everything in my power to conceal our secret but nothing ever stays a secret at Versailles.

Missing my husband

I have not seen my husband very much since our dinner. I understand he has things to handle where we live but sometimes I would like him with me. I do have our child keeping me company. Although I could do without the sick mornings and the vomiting nights. My apartments have to be aired out in order for the smell to get out of my room. I don't understand how women do this more then once. I have prayed nightly that this baby inside is a boy because I do not think pregnancy has been kind to me.This is what they push for the dauphin to go through but for what. She would still have to do her duties feeling just as bad as I.
There was dinner with the HRH comte de provence I was able to attend. I had felt much better in the night. I have met several of my husbands nieces and nephews. His nephew was there for dinner with the HRH and he made a horrible misstep by smashing cake in the face of a servant.He was ordered out and I was shocked by his behavior he seemed a bit smug but I assume soldiers are like that. They assume that all nobles are the same but they are not. Not every noble women sticks her nose in the air. Some use their money for good. I spent the rest of my time in my Appartments writing a letter to my husband about everything the week had held.
Today I was able to get a carriage and go to my beautiful home being built. It is a beautiful Chateau that was purchased by someone I can not name at this moment but I have to say it is a glorious thing to lay your eyes upon.My husband has a place which I call home but this for me is something of a special nature because of who it has come from.