I confessed today after Mass my mortal sins although for some of them I don't feel bad. Some of them make me burn with a passion and a fire that I have never felt before.Some make me weep in the quiet of the night. I just don't understand why life is so complicated.Why did I make it complicated.
Recently things have made me worried and tense and made reflect on my life and my time at Versailles. I am no longer as innocent as I once was. The person I look in the mirror is not the one who arrived off of ship ready to embrace the world with her mind.The thing that has caused my change was how Versailles can make a person. I have risen at court faster then expected.Faster then I expected really. I thought I would spend my days normally serving the kings mistress because that is what my King wanted me to do and I have no other choice but to do as he says.From that point on it seems things have gotten way more complicated and maybe I did not realize my rise until after my marriage. During the ball for lovers where I was pretty much on my own with no husband to dance with and no lover in sight there were pamphlets about the Royale Highness Comte d Artois and madame la Dauphine where thrown around before the week was out. I had been accused of spreading them by Comtesse Noailles. I went into a state of worry because whispers in the air spoke of exile and banishment.It would have bought shame to me and my family and that of my unborn child. I had done nothing wrong to deserve such lies to spread. I could not figure why she hated me so.
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