Loyalty

   I was taught something years ago by my mother and for all the time that I have been at court I have held it to be true in what I do and how I act. You have to be loyal to king and country.You have to be loyal to your family the one you are born into and the one you marry into. You have to fiercely protect all of those.  There are some women at court who let others use them as a pawn in their games and with  that show that they have no integrity,no loyalty so in the end they are looked at as someone not to be dealt with. They are not being the women they should but more so a girl with no backbone.

fearlessly protective

  As time goes on and the pregnancy moves further along. I spend more time at choisy because it is the one place I feel at ease. I spend my days writing in my journal of the daily happenings of my life and  random thoughts that take over my mind and I feel the need to write them down. I have spent a great deal of time thinking about my family and how it will soon grow with another addition that is my own. I have made the carriage ride to Versailles but when I walk into Versailles for my duties with Her Royale Highness Victoire. I feel myself tense up and become stressed because I am trying not to let the anger get the best of me. I am trying my best to do what is best for my family. I feel as if we are being attacked by a curmudgeon old women who doesn’t want happiness for anyone. She seems to be home in her miserable state and wants everyone to follow suit. I shall not let that happen for me or my family. She has gotten to my niece who is new at court . I have to tell her when she is at court to grow a thick skin because there will be things that can lead her to cry but she must not show weakness ;she must not let them know she is vulnerable even if she is. The old women can smell fear and innocence and attacks it like a dog going after a bone thrown to them while the hungered.

The marriage of my brother is fast approaching and I am still not happy of the idea of Mademoiselle Chiverny becoming a Tancarville. She is the pet of a women  who seeks to make peoples lives miserable which make me wonder is this marriage a plot of some sort or a actual marriage of convenience like the many others that happen between nobility. I wonder if the old women is using  the mademoiselle as a pawn of some sort or her own personal enjoyment of entertainment. A sort of  play where the characters don’t quite know they are the entertainment of someone who could care less of the lives they destroy. I pray his marriage goes well and I worry for nothing because if I find that my brother ends up hurt from this marriage and is the fault of the chiverny women…I will come down on her as a wolf does a lamb in the meadow. She will never know the day nor the hour when I will strike. I pray it does not come to that and she does the duties that a wife should do for a husband but for my family who mean a lot to me. I would do anything to protect them from harm.

Calm

   Life has seemed to calm and my daily routines have finally taken over my life. Where I wake and enjoy a small breakfast before I head to versailles to do what ever Her Royale Highness Victoire wants to do. I have spoken with her recently about lots of different topics such as the slave trade and things that commoners think of nobility. It has led to some very interesting conversation between us. I personally take different stance then most when it comes to slavery as a necessary evil but I have always seemed to be different in that way. I have also spoke more with my husband and we have had more private dinners then we used to. He still spend s a great deal of his time building but he has set up some time for me so that I am not always alone.
   My brother Frederic comes by more to check up on me which is a lovely feeling because he is one of few men I trust. He is one of few people that I trust to be quite honest. He will be marrying soon and won't be able to spend time with me like he used to so I should cherish the moments that we do have before he is married to that women. I know I should be nice to her because she is my brothers happiness for the time being but something about her disturbs me.
   My mother has been very popular now that she is back at court. I guess for the older courtiers she is a light of what used to be. In some ways she is still old fashioned in her ways but I have to say they have done her well. She has told me that I need to curb my temper and I will try not to let people get to me in order for them to get some sick pleasure in seeing me upset. I have found myself letting go of certain things because in the end they really weren't worth holding onto. It is funny how a persons mind and heart can make things seem like they are more then what they really are.
   Today shall be quite eventful  I hope.

Welcoming the new

I have grieved for my cousin and did what her letter told me that I should and it is to be free of things that weighed me down. I have went to a convent to get spiritual guidence from the nuns and confessed all my sins that I have done and feel cleaned of them.I returned home to a beautiful dinner with some courtiers. My mother also had come for a visit and my brother and his soon to be fiancee. I was delighted to see my mother since it has been some years since I have seen her and the mood soon soured when my brothers fiancee came. She doesn't like me and for what I am not sure of. I feel as if it has something to do with my husband which seem weird that she would not like me because of something my husband did to her but that is on her heart not mine.
   At this moment I put all my focus on my mother and my child that should be arriving in the coming months. I feel them move and it makes my heart to flutter to know that they live and thrive regardless of what is going on in the world outside of them. It makes me wonder should I take that kind of thinking into my daily life. Live and thrive regardless of the things that are said and done to me. I have shown though how I can come out of such horrid beginnings
  I have become the lady in waiting to Her Royale Highness Victoire Lousie de France and it has been a glorious appointment that was given to me since it seemed as if everything in my world could have ruined me. I am greatful for the powers that be who smiled upon me and relieved me with such great things happening.

she is gone...she is buried...my sweet beautiful cousin

 Today this day we buried Marie and with that I have buried all that has happened

Dangerous decisions

I awoke today with a purpose of putting myself in good standing. My first move was to get my life out of the mouths of the Royals and with that I resigned as the dame de compaigne of Comtesse du Barry ,the kings mistress. I feel she was the route of my cousins death. I know there are many who think I dwell to much on the death of my cousin but she was more of a sister to me then my own sisters. We both lost a father in disgrace . We knew each others pain more then anyone would. When she got  her appointment at court I was excited for her. A lady in waiting to Madame la Dauphine was a great honor and I had hoped that in years to come she could boast about being the lady in waiting to the queen with a husband of the same respectable  standing as hers. I wished for her only great things.Those ideas are now dashed and I can only rectify my own bad decisions made in Shakespearean  thought that things would end in the way those plays do where all that belong with the ones they love…do.  I was wrong and now I must fix what is cracked. I attended the ball celebrating the return of her Royal Highness and was very surprised when she had talked to me. She seemed kind hearted and this is not something that I get from the Royals. I would have thought that she had the influence of Madame Royale and that she would not like me at all but she has heard of my past and still wishes to speak to me was suprising.  I did hear whispers that night of her wanting me for something important of what I am not sure. I know whatever it is that I will never get it without fighting for it.

                On this night I thought it would be better then any to resign from my position . I spoke with Comtesse du barry at the ball telling her of my resignation and although it pained me to see her start to let her emotions take her.  I felt more free then I had ever before where will my place be at court while I  am in no household. That I am not sure of that and at this point I will figure out that part when the time comes.

life is a blur

  I awoke this morning still everything is a blur and I move through the day only because the night changes. I am trying to not let my grief consume me. It seems to be a curse follows the Tancarville family around not skipping a generation. I have taken this time of grief to plan out what shall happen for me next so that I can move along with life.I have continued my duties to Comtesse Du barry as her dame de compagnie yesterday when she had a dinner. It was the usual gossip that she likes to talk about and of course since the death of my cousin is so new it was a topic for some part of the evening. I kept pretty tight lipped about the whole situation because I don't feel like it is something that I should have to share over a meal. There were visitors there who made it even more sad for me because they to wanted to gossip about the death and have their questions answered.  As the dinner progressed I started to take ill and returned to my chateau wondering when will there be a day where I am happy again. Did all those days leave me and now I am just suffering.