life is a blur

  I awoke this morning still everything is a blur and I move through the day only because the night changes. I am trying to not let my grief consume me. It seems to be a curse follows the Tancarville family around not skipping a generation. I have taken this time of grief to plan out what shall happen for me next so that I can move along with life.I have continued my duties to Comtesse Du barry as her dame de compagnie yesterday when she had a dinner. It was the usual gossip that she likes to talk about and of course since the death of my cousin is so new it was a topic for some part of the evening. I kept pretty tight lipped about the whole situation because I don't feel like it is something that I should have to share over a meal. There were visitors there who made it even more sad for me because they to wanted to gossip about the death and have their questions answered.  As the dinner progressed I started to take ill and returned to my chateau wondering when will there be a day where I am happy again. Did all those days leave me and now I am just suffering.