Welcoming the new

I have grieved for my cousin and did what her letter told me that I should and it is to be free of things that weighed me down. I have went to a convent to get spiritual guidence from the nuns and confessed all my sins that I have done and feel cleaned of them.I returned home to a beautiful dinner with some courtiers. My mother also had come for a visit and my brother and his soon to be fiancee. I was delighted to see my mother since it has been some years since I have seen her and the mood soon soured when my brothers fiancee came. She doesn't like me and for what I am not sure of. I feel as if it has something to do with my husband which seem weird that she would not like me because of something my husband did to her but that is on her heart not mine.
   At this moment I put all my focus on my mother and my child that should be arriving in the coming months. I feel them move and it makes my heart to flutter to know that they live and thrive regardless of what is going on in the world outside of them. It makes me wonder should I take that kind of thinking into my daily life. Live and thrive regardless of the things that are said and done to me. I have shown though how I can come out of such horrid beginnings
  I have become the lady in waiting to Her Royale Highness Victoire Lousie de France and it has been a glorious appointment that was given to me since it seemed as if everything in my world could have ruined me. I am greatful for the powers that be who smiled upon me and relieved me with such great things happening.

she is gone...she is buried...my sweet beautiful cousin

 Today this day we buried Marie and with that I have buried all that has happened

Dangerous decisions

I awoke today with a purpose of putting myself in good standing. My first move was to get my life out of the mouths of the Royals and with that I resigned as the dame de compaigne of Comtesse du Barry ,the kings mistress. I feel she was the route of my cousins death. I know there are many who think I dwell to much on the death of my cousin but she was more of a sister to me then my own sisters. We both lost a father in disgrace . We knew each others pain more then anyone would. When she got  her appointment at court I was excited for her. A lady in waiting to Madame la Dauphine was a great honor and I had hoped that in years to come she could boast about being the lady in waiting to the queen with a husband of the same respectable  standing as hers. I wished for her only great things.Those ideas are now dashed and I can only rectify my own bad decisions made in Shakespearean  thought that things would end in the way those plays do where all that belong with the ones they love…do.  I was wrong and now I must fix what is cracked. I attended the ball celebrating the return of her Royal Highness and was very surprised when she had talked to me. She seemed kind hearted and this is not something that I get from the Royals. I would have thought that she had the influence of Madame Royale and that she would not like me at all but she has heard of my past and still wishes to speak to me was suprising.  I did hear whispers that night of her wanting me for something important of what I am not sure. I know whatever it is that I will never get it without fighting for it.

                On this night I thought it would be better then any to resign from my position . I spoke with Comtesse du barry at the ball telling her of my resignation and although it pained me to see her start to let her emotions take her.  I felt more free then I had ever before where will my place be at court while I  am in no household. That I am not sure of that and at this point I will figure out that part when the time comes.

life is a blur

  I awoke this morning still everything is a blur and I move through the day only because the night changes. I am trying to not let my grief consume me. It seems to be a curse follows the Tancarville family around not skipping a generation. I have taken this time of grief to plan out what shall happen for me next so that I can move along with life.I have continued my duties to Comtesse Du barry as her dame de compagnie yesterday when she had a dinner. It was the usual gossip that she likes to talk about and of course since the death of my cousin is so new it was a topic for some part of the evening. I kept pretty tight lipped about the whole situation because I don't feel like it is something that I should have to share over a meal. There were visitors there who made it even more sad for me because they to wanted to gossip about the death and have their questions answered.  As the dinner progressed I started to take ill and returned to my chateau wondering when will there be a day where I am happy again. Did all those days leave me and now I am just suffering.

Finally reads her cousins letter

I put down the letter and began to cry curling myself into a ball holding on to my stomach just repeating over and over again "Why Marie...Why?"

a bitter heart

   With gaining her as a friend he has turned cold to me and in a more hurried way then I thought the love I had for him is slowly fading away as I become more bitter with how everything is going. It was not my doing that she wanted our children to know each other. I was not the one in the beginning who was being the tempting one but the one who was tempted. In this time when I needed a friend he is my foe. Today he spoke ill of my cousin and her death and I wanted nothing more then to  tear off his wig and beat him so that he could feel the pain that I do but that would have gotten me banished.
  I don't understand this man acts as if he doesn't know me and I know he said he wouldn't be affectionate towards me...which is fine with me because I don't want to hurt his wife who is now my friend but to speak ill of Marie.To ignore me as if I am not even in the room. In due time he will get what is coming to him and I pray I am there to watch.

In mourning

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Visits

 I awoke this morning to the servants walking about and I did not want o leave my bed. I wanted to lay there like I had for the days since he left me with the offer that I had no choice but to take. After receiving many letters from my cousin  I awoke and dressed but did not have the appetite to eat. I heard a horse in the distance and at my gate there was his wife...The Duchess.
  I did not know what to do. I had not expected her to arrive at my home. I had not expected any visitors especially since the last visitor left me in such a way that it is taking days to recover. I walked with her to my private sitting area and we spoke of many things. We spoke of My child and the current things that have to do with my child. In due time I can go over the details when things are less. Today this is a something to be announced in the hall of mirrors and I wonder what it may be...

Everything comes to a end

    This was a punishment of some sort. Tonight I embraced true love for the last time and how amazing  it was I should have known that it would end so quickly. I kissed him and caressed him tenderly while giving myself to love completely.Melting into puddles of  passion but how soon did they dry up to appear as if they never were there at all. I knew eventually this day would come where I would lose someone I love. I just did not want to face it but now I have no choice but to face everything that will soon come.   I embrace the one thing that can not be taken from me that is from him and I will cherish it because it was made from passionate intimacy.It was  made with love on my part on his part that I am not sure. I don't regret him because that means I would regret the child that lives within my womb but I do regret the hurt I caused many.

   I cry tears of hurt and pain because I have no choice but to move on from it. I think now to myself how do i repair this reputation that I have. How do I make it better before my child is born so that she will not know of the life that  I led before her.  Oh what a life it seemed to be at the time. Having the love of him;him being the first have my body and my heart. That is now the past though and I have to be the strong one in this if not for me...then for her

Thinking of my father

I awoke this morning and wish that everything was different then it is. I wish my father was around to get me through life at court. There were some things I would not have done has he been there to keep me under his watchful eye. I feel as if I have failed my father in certain aspects when it comes to court and to life. I have done more at court to put our family name in good standing then he ever had and I have heard this from many. I don't hear anything bad about him but I have a feeling that he would be upset with the current situations that have come upon me recently. I have followed my heart instead of the code of things. I did what felt right not what is expected of me.

the games of love

This evening I attened the Dauphines games and it was a night I shall not forget for some weeks.The duc de vauguyon wife has returned the duchess de vaugyon. I knew eventually this day would come where I would have to look her in the eyes knowing that her husband is someone I hold closer then just a dear friend. I didn't know how to react to her return so I did what my fathers letters said " Respect the rank of the ladies above and below you always". So I did just that smiling and curtsying the way I would have done had the circumstances been different.

He asked about "it" and that alone warmed my heart because I thought he would be cold towards me since his wifes arrival but I was suprised by his demeanor. He asked "Has it moved more since our last time together" where he felt it and I was more then happy to tell him of the progress. I am at this place where I know I should feel shame but don't. I know I shouldn't have let this happen but I look forward to the next day when I shall see his face. His warm smile his voice his conversation where he lets me speak my mind although for most men a womens thoughts are nothing but to him they something special and different.

This evening has left more conflicted since I now see his wife before me and I see the pain I cause and I know it hurts her and I don't want to hurt her but I don't want to let go....what am I to do?