the games of love

This evening I attened the Dauphines games and it was a night I shall not forget for some weeks.The duc de vauguyon wife has returned the duchess de vaugyon. I knew eventually this day would come where I would have to look her in the eyes knowing that her husband is someone I hold closer then just a dear friend. I didn't know how to react to her return so I did what my fathers letters said " Respect the rank of the ladies above and below you always". So I did just that smiling and curtsying the way I would have done had the circumstances been different.

He asked about "it" and that alone warmed my heart because I thought he would be cold towards me since his wifes arrival but I was suprised by his demeanor. He asked "Has it moved more since our last time together" where he felt it and I was more then happy to tell him of the progress. I am at this place where I know I should feel shame but don't. I know I shouldn't have let this happen but I look forward to the next day when I shall see his face. His warm smile his voice his conversation where he lets me speak my mind although for most men a womens thoughts are nothing but to him they something special and different.

This evening has left more conflicted since I now see his wife before me and I see the pain I cause and I know it hurts her and I don't want to hurt her but I don't want to let go....what am I to do?