hopeful return

After spending more time in my husbands library then my own office. I put all the papers that I could get for him and wrapped them with a ribbon and had them put in a small box that my husband had instructed me to. I could hear the servants trying to get everything that we would need into the carriage. I silently prayed that this would be my last trip to Paris when it came to my husband but I am afraid it my not be. Even after getting the new title. I thought it would come with some good things but it did not. It has been quite the same amount of problems I had as a Comtesse but it seems I have taken on more. Especially when it comes to wealth and the Marriage of my nephews.This is normally something that should have been handled by my husband but I do not have that luxury at this moment.

When I finally stepped into the carriage. Mary handed me Christian who normally I would have left at home but since there is a bit of a chill in the air I thought it would be best that he would accompany me to Paris. I wasn't even going to bring Mary along but she insisted although I told her Christian and I would be fine without more people coming. I took the carriage that bared no name of nobility on it and it was a carriage that had been in the tancarville family for some time. A carriage we took when we didn't want to be known at that this time in Paris visiting the Bastille...I did not want to be known.

All was set and I took a look at choisy bracing myself for another visit to the bastille. This time when a child on my arm and determination in my heart that maybe this time when I arrived at Choisy Leo would be with me...hopefully

A suprise

The day had felt like any other day. I kissed and hugged my christian before getting in my carriage as I always do this time.My nephew wanted to be presented to the king and I thought it would be good to go with him as sort of support and because I am HRH Madame Victoires lady in waiting.  My nephew went first and although I sensed his nervousness before when he walked through the door it all had seemed to melt away and confidence seemed to overtake it him it was a wonderful sight to behold.. After him it was me. It seems the accident is the way most people lead into talking to me which actually is fine. I only have a bit of a scar but I personally don't think it does anything to make my beauty any less. The king suggested that I had been  called the wrong title and was made Marquise de Chattelerau...There were no words to describe that moment.

letter to my mother

    So my cousin has been buried at the family estate and it was a beautiful service and there were many mourners but not a whole lot of family that were alive attending. I am sad for her but it makes me think more of my other cousin who I loved very much and she was buried somewhere in the versailles forest like a cat of some sort.While this cousin was buried close to relatives. I know the way my cousin marie died was shameful but it still hurts. I had not known this cousin very well but it is sad to lose ones family. My mother still stays in Italy where I assume she prefers it. I took it upon myself to write her about what has happened. I sat down at the table in the library warm fire going and the house calm.

My dearest Mother,
                  I write you to inform you of all that has happened with the family and I.HRH Madame Victoire,Mlle Isabelle Tancarville and I were in a carriage  heading to  ball. Something happened to the carriage that I can't quite remember. I remember there being some shouting and then everything sort of went black. When I finally awoke I could feel the rain on my face and see HRH laying further away from the carriage. I could feel my face warm with blood falling from different spots. I got the strength to reach her Royal highness who laid unconcious on the ground but still alive. I held her in my arms and tried to wake her and with much prayer and light shaking she woke. When I finally saw her eyes I looked up to see where my cousin was and she lay not to far from the coachmen not moving and quite injured.Just from the twisted look on her face I knew that she was dead. After some time every one from the ball room came down and all you could hear was people screams and women fainting and all I could think about was how much my face hurt and how I had to get Madame Victoire to her room. In the end  I got her safe and sound and the glass particles pulled out of my face. A few days later we buried Mlle Tancarville and it was a beautiful service and they are still investigating everything.Frederic is going to investigate and I pray he will do a great job in that. I will close out this later. I will pray you will stay safe.Love you mother

EC de fiennes

another tragedy

This morning I was transported back to Choisy after the carriage accident and all I could do was cry because of the pain I felt in my body and face. I cried for my dead cousin as it seems death plagues our family. I did not want anyone to see my face not my brothers nor sisters and so far they have not. When I arrived Mary was there to greet me having been sent word before I arrived on what had happened and there was only her and Joseph who I let seem me in the state I was in. I could not stop myself from crying. I can be strong and sharp tongued when at court but now at this moment I was feeling beaten and broken.  Have I done something in a past life that I must pay for with such pain.

    After Mary washed and changed me cleaning my cuts as best she could.I was sent to bed and ordered them to let no one in not even my family if they arrive.Tell them that I will get to them when I have recovered some.I don't want anyone to see the cuts and the scars that have erased the beauty that was given to me by my mother. That night I sat in my chair in my room reflecting on my life and I started to think...would it have been better to be in debt and happy then rich and have a troubled heart. Then I remember why I submit to this life so much and it is for the women that saved my soul and in return I saved her life and even still I feel I can never repay her for the kindness that she gives me when all of court has already made up their minds not knowing anything of my life and struggles.

sickness

As I watched his eyes close and hear the little coughs.I knew I could not have boarded the coach that awaited me outside my house. I told them to go on with me and I looked over him several times and went down to the chapel inside of my home and prayed like I had never before.

Please God oh merciful one please don'e take my child at this time
he is young and not born the way you had intended but born nonetheless
and he should not be punished for the mistakes of his mother.

I prayed until the tears rolled down my eyes and I found myself on the floor still praying and crying. Jospeh one of the house servants got me off the floor and carried me to my room still sobbing. I have already lost so much this year.I did not want to lose him also.When I finally fell a sleep I dreamed of darkness and when I awoke my mind told me to rush to my son.Where he lay still sleep and still sick as the night went on.I watched him. I watched his little chest rise and fall for hours.

A father is the one that stares at him with pride

   When I finally got time to spend with my husband all he told me of his whereabouts was that he was in Italy picking out art for the house which was all the explanation that I needed. He is a man and he is able to roam where he wants and I do not bother him about it because what right do I have after the things I have done. Here is the only place I can be truthful about my past because in court honesty is not the best policy.  After we discussed many things going on at court and the things that he has to do to be back in favor with the king and the Royal family.  I introduced him to his heir...his son. The one that carries his last name and from what I saw he adored him upon laying eyes on him. I assume the same way he would have looked on his daughter had she lived. He seemed proud to carry on his name regardless of what is whispered in the hall of mirrors.  He asked of his birth and I told him everything that happened omitting some details he did not need to know. In the end  Christians father is the one who cares for him most and loves him best.Watches with pure pride as he grows and is there to be a good man to the child who deserves a good father. Leonard is more then what I deserve. I will pray to  God for my sins and return to doing confession once again now that my husband has returned. I shall do right by him and hope that my ways will subside and not continue again

New beginnings

   My fever passed just time for court to start and for me to take a few days to get well. I know I will not be at my best when court starts but I should be almost there. When I finally got out from my bed all the sheets were changed and I was given a  bath and it was quite nice to feel so refreshed after being ill for so long.  Mary came to dress me with my favorite dress and my cross.She said I should  wear it and thank God that I made it through my illness because not everyone is so lucky as I. I agreed with her and  put it on and looked in the mirror as she dressed me and felt happy to be in my clothes again although I could do without the corset at times. I smiled at Mary as she finished dressing me and when she was  about to start on my hair. I told her that was all right that I would do it myself and she seemed surprised at that but there are times I prefer to do thing for my self. She backed away and then told me she would get christian ready for my arrival. 
    I picked up a brush and began brushing my hair which after a while became tiring and I wish I had not dismissed Mary so soon but now that she is gone. I can not call for her back because I yearn to see my son more then I want my hair brushed. I laid my head in my hand and closed my eyes praying to myself that there was a way I can get my strength back. It seemed my prayers were answered quickly because I felt a hand on my shoulder  that was heavy but  rested on my shoulder lightly. I was alarmed but something about the touch of the person seemed familiar. I lifted my head and opened my eye and for a second I thought I was still feverish because before me stood my husband. I could not utter a word because I was overjoyed just to see him. I embraced him my hair and cried because that was all I could do.With all that I have done there was still love for this man I had in my heart. When I finally stopped my crying and hugging him he sat next to me and did not say a word. Mary brought in christian and  I held him in my arms. Feeling somewhat whole with all of my family in a room together. It is nice to have new beginning.
   Although there was much to talk about with my husband and much time to spend with my husband. My duty to the crown comes before them both. Mary had told me that there was a package waiting for me in my study and it looked like it seemed something important. When I arrived it was indeed a a package sealed from that of someone of Royal Importance. I opened the letter and read

Comtesse de Chatellerau,
        I hope you are in the best of health. It has gotten back to me that you read to my relative books and discuss things that aren't always of a pleasant nature and I would like that to change. She should be read pre approved classics and the things that should be discussed are things that women should talk about and not things that do not concern women. I hope you do understand. Good day Madam

Reading the pre approved books

I looked through the package for a name but there was  none. They had sent me pre approved books that I skimmed through as I watched my son sleep and thought to myself while reading them these books are such a bore and thought of the books I would bring from my library to read to her royal highness.

another feverish day

  The sun rose this morning and still I felt like the weight of the world was sitting on my chest and I almost thought it was my time to leave this life but I thought the more I refuse the priest to give me my last rites.Death would not follow in behind him. There are days where the fever brings such delusions that are far fetched and make me want to  just close my eyes and wish them away but then my fever breaks for a little while and I am back to somewhat normal until my fever goes back to dangerous heights it is like a vicious cycle that I have to endure

Taken ill

   In the last few weeks since being home from versailles. I have taken ill with fever and sweats and my bones ache with such pain. I have not been able to lay eyes on my beautiful son in days and that makes my heart ache. My brother Frederic had come to visit and had asked if I wanted the Dr's to bleed me and to be quite honest I thought it would harm more then it would help. I trust the women who use herbs from the garden then a dr who seems to use things that can hurt me more then harm me. I have seen way to many die of something that I think could have been helped.
   When I do get from the bed to sit in the window and take in the summer air I try keep my mind away from death. I wonder with this sickness is this the end for me. Is this where my life will end being the wife of a man who I no longer see much anymore.Mother to a boy who I hope will grow into a great man and do great things and then when I think I am a good place with my thoughts a coughing fit starts and back to bed Mary brings me telling me to rest and drink some of the medicine that she has for me. I ask her about Christian and how he is doing and are they making sure he is getting enough air. She keeps me much updated to everything that he is doing. I have seen the four walls of my room more then I like to but I am being kept in only one room in the house because I do not want to spread my sickness among my staff and son. I assume that if I live through this sickness they will burn the sheets that I lay on.
 
 

thoughts in my garden

Today I worked in my garden with my little one by my side in his basinett.He seemed so quiet all day and not very fussy which is nice because for the past few weeks he has been very ill but I have had a Dr come and see him and it seemed it was a passing illness. My heart would have been broken had he taken ill and passed on. I have lossed so much already to lose him would leave me a sad women.  I have spent a great deal of time in between Choisy and Versailles working on the assignments her royal highness assigns me. I do miss her day to day tasks for me but working on the other things she is into makes me very happy to serve her. It means more time with christian and more time to be out of the court life. I know the more I am away from court the more my power can fade and honestly I feel like it has already but I guess when court returns to versailles we shall see how true that is.
   

reflections of a year

Life has started to be normal.As normal as it can be for me. I have spent a lot of time reflecting on things and I think about  this time last year. I was in Morocco taking in the splendors of the people and the atmosphere. Enjoying my studies and occasionally getting visits from friends and here I am now a comtesse to a missing Comte. A mother to a beautiful son and a lady in waiting to a very kind princess. I have to admit life is better then it could have been with my father being in debt and my future looking quite bleak at my entrance of court. I have to admit everything has went so fast it makes me wonder where has the year gone.
    The parts that sadden me most is that both my cousins who were my strength upon entering court are no longer with me. One taking care of a mistake he made back home and the other buried in the cold ground for eternity. I pray God as mercy on her and at least lets her spend some time in purgatory. she was a good person who made such a bad decision. One misguided permanent mistake should not wipe away her good deeds. I have to admit though my brother came at the right time when i would need him most.
     I have not cause much scandal I am trying to keep things very hush hush in my life because I personally do not like scandal at all and it is not something that makes me life easier at all. If anything it looks badly on my son and at this moment his future matters more then my happiness.

Visiting with the Duc and Duchess

       I awoke this morning feeling very happy and wanting to see the sunrise. I walked through my palace and outside in my night dress and smelled the beautiful smells all around me. The sun rose and the sight of it was breath taking just seeing the yellowing orange light the sky in the midst of darkness makes me feel as if this is a sight only I am seeing and its Gods gift to me. I knew I should get back to my room before the servants where moving about in more parts of the house then just the kitchen. I made my way back to my room without being seen and there waiting for me was Mary.My wonderful servant who helps me with everything. She had already laid out the clothes for the day for me to wear and had christian in her arms still sleeping. I kissed my dear boy on his head  while he lay in her arms and he stirred a little bit but not much. I  dressed in my favorite blue day dress which I try to actually keep on well into the night because it is the most comfortable I think.

     After I have dressed I take my beautiful boy in my arms and we went for a walk around the estate. After a while I found myself at my brothers estate and thought I would stop in for a visit. Sometimes it is nicer to take in your country side then getting in a carriage and making some big entrance. Also I love coming unannounced to my brothers house.yes very rude but in the end always a nice suprise. While at their house we discussed many things. My salon earlier in the week and some other things that needed to be put out the  way  but over all a wonderful visit.

love of power

   "My queen" still whispers in my ear as I lays down next to him. I  look at him while he sleep  and play with his hair and think if ever found out the rumors shall spread like wildfire. What is this weakness for men of power? I tried very hard to be good and righteous but it seems a friendship which is all it started out to be with the Comte de Provence has turned into more then just a friendship of people who love to read and eat sweet desserts. It has turned into another affair that is marking my life in direction that I am not even sure is good or bad.

    He isn't anything as the rumors say he is much more. A virgin he is not and he has a appetite for other things then just dessert and one day what a king he may make. We discuss things going on with the kingdom and thing he wishes to one day do if ever given the chance and I hope that he does get to do those things because he has great plans for his kingdom.
   It all started as just a kiss in the library which we both denied because in the end telling the truth would spell much trouble for me and really none for him. I am the one taking the risk.Although I am not the one who started it all. I mean I have just been myself. Speaking like a educated women and not like a women who was only taught to entertain at salons for my husbands friends in their leisure time. There is more to me and more to women then that. I think.
   I tried very hard to deny him and his beautiful smile and his laughter that  also makes you smile in your saddest moods can make you melt. I am familiar with forbidden love. I know it well but there is something about it that is alluring and sends passionate shivers down my spine and gives me a feeling that I can't explain and it feels good to be loved by someone...once again.

  

Meeting trouble again

I arrived at the games in a mood that I had not felt in a long time. It was the mood of joy that I used to have before all my troubles began and upon my arrival...I stared trouble right in the face once again. Although I was taken by surprise and a bit of anger at first I did not let it destroy my night and I went on and had the most childish fun of being the judge in a race in the hall of mirrors. It made me laugh till it hurt and even made my face ache from smiling so much. I drank champagne  to extend this happiness and at that time I was apporached by the Duc...the father of my son. He asked to speak with me in private and to the anger of my brother,the shock of my sister in law and the shock of my niece I obliged him.
   Upon walking in a room lit by few candles he asked about Christian and I told him of his delivery and of his health. I told him what a special and wonderful child he is only a few weeks old. He seemed to have changed since our last meeting.He seemed to care more about what was to come of the child we made. I do think the child should not suffer for the sins of his parents and he felt the same way. There is something he said that summed up our whole conversation and I agreed with him wholeheartedly. In his words he said
"I hope we can carry on, as civil as we can, as if this never happened, for the child must not be tormented, as neither should we. You will find in me, a friend madame, should you need anything, I will be here, but alas, friend is all I can offer now, as we both saw and felt more than we should in the past..which lead us to our torment"

That night he met Christian for the first time and held him in his arms. Although this man had put me through much pain and heart ache and left me to endure a lot on my own.It was that moment that softened my heart for him once more. The smile he gave his son warmed my heart for him in a friendly way because I want not to put myself through that torment ever again. What shall happen from here on out I am not sure but I pray that things between he and I ...things between christian and him go in a way that would please all those involved in a Godly manner.

My new joy

The one person who I love even more then myself is my beautiful healthy song. Christian louis de Fiennes. Although the labor was attended by few it was those few who have made seeing him come into the world  even better with their presence and encouragement.  I have never seen eyes and looks on a person who made my heart flutter with such delight. I have spent my time away from versailles to spend my time with him and what a joyus time it has been I must return to my duties soon though. I went to a tea for Madame Victoire as my first time back into society since the birth of my son and the whole time my mind was on him and what was he doing for the nanny that I hired to care for him when I am away.  My brothers has seen his dear nephew but the person I want to meet him the most shall not meet him for some time. I have sent a letter to my mother telling her of the birth of the child.I hope to receive a letter from her soon. Joy has entered my world after a darkness of was put upon it for some time. 

he has come...finally

EC scribbles in her journal while the baby sleeps

He has finally arrived. My beautiful son who kept his mother in pain and delirious for days is finally here and he is a wonderful site to set your eyes upon. I still do not understand why women go through this more then once because the pain is unbearable and the long months of waiting are not without hardship but oh the reward that is given in the end is a one of great joy. Regardless of the circumstances on how they have come to be.
 Christian Louis de Fiennes should be fiercely protected and loved immensely by all who set eyes on him. Whenever my husband finally arrives in choisy he will see his heir and hopefully fall in love with his as I have or he may hide in his building either way I should be happy with the new arrival

worries of a comtesse

As the time draws near. I feel myself becoming more and more ill. I have had some good days and in those days I attend to my duties at court and I try to be pleasant but with this pregnancy I have seemed to miss a lot. My brother has asked the Mlle Charlotte Martine Gramont to marry him and I couldn't be more excited for them both. I approve of this marriage way more then I did  of the one my brother was to have before.

  I know it sounds as if I am being mean but the women who was to have married my brother was not right for him my mother did not like her and I did not. It is said that she went o a convent after all her behavior was exposed. I have to say for someone who has had to visit a convent it can be a experience  where one can put life and values in perspective.
  

Letter to F

F,

 I was suprised by your visit, Honestly I thought when you said you would return to your duties and go about doing what you do for the crown and never speak to me again. Then again it is more so that I would have preffered it that way. I have the best part of you and seeing you was something I could have done without. You have your path with your children and your life. While you got to escape this world that we live in I am the one who has to endure it. I have to endure the whispers or the outright speech of what we have done. I am the one with the evidence of what has gone on between us and you. Well you get to deal with only your wife and children.You get to deal with your duties and that alone. I know I sound as if I hate you but that is not the case. I still love you more then I should. I just think you are cruel and selfish. It does lead me to question what we had.What was it to you? The behavior you had when you visited I am not sure.  I would like if you laid eyes on the child at least once after it is born and then when he or she marries like we agreed.

  I will end this letter because there is no more to write and nothing left for me to say. If you return a letter that would answer my questions. I could be more content but I do not expect that from you. 

E.C.

wanting something different

I tip toe around choisy at night when all have gone to bed thinking to myself…what the future shall hold. My husband and I have continued with the dinners but they are quite simple we discuss his building and then all that goes on at Versailles and then the baby which he doesn’t want to spend much time discussing and I understand that .When dinner is over he goes to continue with his build and I go to my study to work on something for Her Royale Highness victoire and that is all my life consists of. It seems rather boring. I wish that there was more to my life than this. I know I should be excited about the arrival of my child but even that has gotten boring I feel myself getting bigger and bigger and no one really seems to care except maybe the servants. I have to admit they do make my days so much easier in this state. Joseph and Mary my servants seem the most excited and the most attentive to my needs at this time. Mary talks with me when I am in need of company and my mother and brother are not visiting. I let her read many of my books so that we can have things to discuss or I can teach her. Joseph helps me garden and tells me stories about his village. Stories that I find interesting and sometimes wish that I had those same stories to think back on and talk with someone about them.

                What I remember from my childhood is my mother getting ready for a ball which seemed to be a weeklong affair of preparations. She seemed her most comfortable with the fashions of the time.  She would have all these beautiful things brought from Paris. Sweet smelling perfumes and the most beautiful gowns the servants laid out for her and the beautiful jewels she had that seemed to compliment everything she wore. I remember before she would have them prepare her hair she would let it fall down her back and how glorious her hair was. I knew as a child then that I wanted to be just as graceful as she was. It seems though that I am my father’s daughter because I have everything from his temper to his making decision with pure emotions. I sometimes think had I been a boy would I be in the same household as my older brother serving the dauphine.  My sweet brother who comes to see his sister even when he has many duties

                He has called off the wedding to Mademoiselle Chiverny for many different reasons I dare not ask for. Although I can understand why from my own encounters with her.  When it came to my husband and her courting it did not go very well. It has seemed over the past weeks that my brother had been stressing something and it seems now with the wedding off.He seems less tense and less ready to argue and defend. It is sad to say but I think it was the Mademoiselle who made him behave in such a way and I am glad to have him back to the way that I know him.

I have spent a lot of time reflecting on my life lately because it seemed since returning home I never really had the time to do that. I know for a while my child will soon have the life I had. A child born to a noble mother and father and will attend the best schools and then enter into society but unlike myself they will reach no scandal or harm because I plan to be there for them the whole way through.

awaiting a storm

    The wedding is off between my brother and that women. I was told by my brother before it was done that he could no longer go through with it. Something about the whole situation did not feel right and I have to go with him on emotions it did not feel right. She wanted into our family but did not like the people in it. She sort of came off to us as if she was doing us a favor by marrying into the family but she wasn't all her presence was going to bring nothing but a divide between many in my family it would have definitely drew a line between my brother and I relationship. I saw it the night we argued when I had arrived back from my spiritual retreat.
   I feel sad for my brother though because there is so much that might come down upon him seeing that the wedding was only days away and it seemed everyone thought that it was sealed and that their fate was locked into. I even thought that it was until I spoke with my brother and he voiced his concern and it is sad to go through life with someone you can't even be friends with. I have done my misdeeds but I am always happy of my decision of who I married because he was my friend before anything else. 
 I wonder will the women leave court it is actually the second time that she has been dismissed by a man at court the first being my husband before we were married he had shown interest in her and I thought they would marry but that did not end up being the case and the next being my brother. I can see why she hated me before but I think she will hate me much more now. I have a feeling that a dark cloud will come on court because of this and families will war with words and other things. I hope it passes quickly though.

Loyalty

   I was taught something years ago by my mother and for all the time that I have been at court I have held it to be true in what I do and how I act. You have to be loyal to king and country.You have to be loyal to your family the one you are born into and the one you marry into. You have to fiercely protect all of those.  There are some women at court who let others use them as a pawn in their games and with  that show that they have no integrity,no loyalty so in the end they are looked at as someone not to be dealt with. They are not being the women they should but more so a girl with no backbone.

fearlessly protective

  As time goes on and the pregnancy moves further along. I spend more time at choisy because it is the one place I feel at ease. I spend my days writing in my journal of the daily happenings of my life and  random thoughts that take over my mind and I feel the need to write them down. I have spent a great deal of time thinking about my family and how it will soon grow with another addition that is my own. I have made the carriage ride to Versailles but when I walk into Versailles for my duties with Her Royale Highness Victoire. I feel myself tense up and become stressed because I am trying not to let the anger get the best of me. I am trying my best to do what is best for my family. I feel as if we are being attacked by a curmudgeon old women who doesn’t want happiness for anyone. She seems to be home in her miserable state and wants everyone to follow suit. I shall not let that happen for me or my family. She has gotten to my niece who is new at court . I have to tell her when she is at court to grow a thick skin because there will be things that can lead her to cry but she must not show weakness ;she must not let them know she is vulnerable even if she is. The old women can smell fear and innocence and attacks it like a dog going after a bone thrown to them while the hungered.

The marriage of my brother is fast approaching and I am still not happy of the idea of Mademoiselle Chiverny becoming a Tancarville. She is the pet of a women  who seeks to make peoples lives miserable which make me wonder is this marriage a plot of some sort or a actual marriage of convenience like the many others that happen between nobility. I wonder if the old women is using  the mademoiselle as a pawn of some sort or her own personal enjoyment of entertainment. A sort of  play where the characters don’t quite know they are the entertainment of someone who could care less of the lives they destroy. I pray his marriage goes well and I worry for nothing because if I find that my brother ends up hurt from this marriage and is the fault of the chiverny women…I will come down on her as a wolf does a lamb in the meadow. She will never know the day nor the hour when I will strike. I pray it does not come to that and she does the duties that a wife should do for a husband but for my family who mean a lot to me. I would do anything to protect them from harm.

Calm

   Life has seemed to calm and my daily routines have finally taken over my life. Where I wake and enjoy a small breakfast before I head to versailles to do what ever Her Royale Highness Victoire wants to do. I have spoken with her recently about lots of different topics such as the slave trade and things that commoners think of nobility. It has led to some very interesting conversation between us. I personally take different stance then most when it comes to slavery as a necessary evil but I have always seemed to be different in that way. I have also spoke more with my husband and we have had more private dinners then we used to. He still spend s a great deal of his time building but he has set up some time for me so that I am not always alone.
   My brother Frederic comes by more to check up on me which is a lovely feeling because he is one of few men I trust. He is one of few people that I trust to be quite honest. He will be marrying soon and won't be able to spend time with me like he used to so I should cherish the moments that we do have before he is married to that women. I know I should be nice to her because she is my brothers happiness for the time being but something about her disturbs me.
   My mother has been very popular now that she is back at court. I guess for the older courtiers she is a light of what used to be. In some ways she is still old fashioned in her ways but I have to say they have done her well. She has told me that I need to curb my temper and I will try not to let people get to me in order for them to get some sick pleasure in seeing me upset. I have found myself letting go of certain things because in the end they really weren't worth holding onto. It is funny how a persons mind and heart can make things seem like they are more then what they really are.
   Today shall be quite eventful  I hope.

Welcoming the new

I have grieved for my cousin and did what her letter told me that I should and it is to be free of things that weighed me down. I have went to a convent to get spiritual guidence from the nuns and confessed all my sins that I have done and feel cleaned of them.I returned home to a beautiful dinner with some courtiers. My mother also had come for a visit and my brother and his soon to be fiancee. I was delighted to see my mother since it has been some years since I have seen her and the mood soon soured when my brothers fiancee came. She doesn't like me and for what I am not sure of. I feel as if it has something to do with my husband which seem weird that she would not like me because of something my husband did to her but that is on her heart not mine.
   At this moment I put all my focus on my mother and my child that should be arriving in the coming months. I feel them move and it makes my heart to flutter to know that they live and thrive regardless of what is going on in the world outside of them. It makes me wonder should I take that kind of thinking into my daily life. Live and thrive regardless of the things that are said and done to me. I have shown though how I can come out of such horrid beginnings
  I have become the lady in waiting to Her Royale Highness Victoire Lousie de France and it has been a glorious appointment that was given to me since it seemed as if everything in my world could have ruined me. I am greatful for the powers that be who smiled upon me and relieved me with such great things happening.

she is gone...she is buried...my sweet beautiful cousin

 Today this day we buried Marie and with that I have buried all that has happened

Dangerous decisions

I awoke today with a purpose of putting myself in good standing. My first move was to get my life out of the mouths of the Royals and with that I resigned as the dame de compaigne of Comtesse du Barry ,the kings mistress. I feel she was the route of my cousins death. I know there are many who think I dwell to much on the death of my cousin but she was more of a sister to me then my own sisters. We both lost a father in disgrace . We knew each others pain more then anyone would. When she got  her appointment at court I was excited for her. A lady in waiting to Madame la Dauphine was a great honor and I had hoped that in years to come she could boast about being the lady in waiting to the queen with a husband of the same respectable  standing as hers. I wished for her only great things.Those ideas are now dashed and I can only rectify my own bad decisions made in Shakespearean  thought that things would end in the way those plays do where all that belong with the ones they love…do.  I was wrong and now I must fix what is cracked. I attended the ball celebrating the return of her Royal Highness and was very surprised when she had talked to me. She seemed kind hearted and this is not something that I get from the Royals. I would have thought that she had the influence of Madame Royale and that she would not like me at all but she has heard of my past and still wishes to speak to me was suprising.  I did hear whispers that night of her wanting me for something important of what I am not sure. I know whatever it is that I will never get it without fighting for it.

                On this night I thought it would be better then any to resign from my position . I spoke with Comtesse du barry at the ball telling her of my resignation and although it pained me to see her start to let her emotions take her.  I felt more free then I had ever before where will my place be at court while I  am in no household. That I am not sure of that and at this point I will figure out that part when the time comes.

life is a blur

  I awoke this morning still everything is a blur and I move through the day only because the night changes. I am trying to not let my grief consume me. It seems to be a curse follows the Tancarville family around not skipping a generation. I have taken this time of grief to plan out what shall happen for me next so that I can move along with life.I have continued my duties to Comtesse Du barry as her dame de compagnie yesterday when she had a dinner. It was the usual gossip that she likes to talk about and of course since the death of my cousin is so new it was a topic for some part of the evening. I kept pretty tight lipped about the whole situation because I don't feel like it is something that I should have to share over a meal. There were visitors there who made it even more sad for me because they to wanted to gossip about the death and have their questions answered.  As the dinner progressed I started to take ill and returned to my chateau wondering when will there be a day where I am happy again. Did all those days leave me and now I am just suffering.

Finally reads her cousins letter

I put down the letter and began to cry curling myself into a ball holding on to my stomach just repeating over and over again "Why Marie...Why?"

a bitter heart

   With gaining her as a friend he has turned cold to me and in a more hurried way then I thought the love I had for him is slowly fading away as I become more bitter with how everything is going. It was not my doing that she wanted our children to know each other. I was not the one in the beginning who was being the tempting one but the one who was tempted. In this time when I needed a friend he is my foe. Today he spoke ill of my cousin and her death and I wanted nothing more then to  tear off his wig and beat him so that he could feel the pain that I do but that would have gotten me banished.
  I don't understand this man acts as if he doesn't know me and I know he said he wouldn't be affectionate towards me...which is fine with me because I don't want to hurt his wife who is now my friend but to speak ill of Marie.To ignore me as if I am not even in the room. In due time he will get what is coming to him and I pray I am there to watch.

In mourning

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Visits

 I awoke this morning to the servants walking about and I did not want o leave my bed. I wanted to lay there like I had for the days since he left me with the offer that I had no choice but to take. After receiving many letters from my cousin  I awoke and dressed but did not have the appetite to eat. I heard a horse in the distance and at my gate there was his wife...The Duchess.
  I did not know what to do. I had not expected her to arrive at my home. I had not expected any visitors especially since the last visitor left me in such a way that it is taking days to recover. I walked with her to my private sitting area and we spoke of many things. We spoke of My child and the current things that have to do with my child. In due time I can go over the details when things are less. Today this is a something to be announced in the hall of mirrors and I wonder what it may be...

Everything comes to a end

    This was a punishment of some sort. Tonight I embraced true love for the last time and how amazing  it was I should have known that it would end so quickly. I kissed him and caressed him tenderly while giving myself to love completely.Melting into puddles of  passion but how soon did they dry up to appear as if they never were there at all. I knew eventually this day would come where I would lose someone I love. I just did not want to face it but now I have no choice but to face everything that will soon come.   I embrace the one thing that can not be taken from me that is from him and I will cherish it because it was made from passionate intimacy.It was  made with love on my part on his part that I am not sure. I don't regret him because that means I would regret the child that lives within my womb but I do regret the hurt I caused many.

   I cry tears of hurt and pain because I have no choice but to move on from it. I think now to myself how do i repair this reputation that I have. How do I make it better before my child is born so that she will not know of the life that  I led before her.  Oh what a life it seemed to be at the time. Having the love of him;him being the first have my body and my heart. That is now the past though and I have to be the strong one in this if not for me...then for her

Thinking of my father

I awoke this morning and wish that everything was different then it is. I wish my father was around to get me through life at court. There were some things I would not have done has he been there to keep me under his watchful eye. I feel as if I have failed my father in certain aspects when it comes to court and to life. I have done more at court to put our family name in good standing then he ever had and I have heard this from many. I don't hear anything bad about him but I have a feeling that he would be upset with the current situations that have come upon me recently. I have followed my heart instead of the code of things. I did what felt right not what is expected of me.

the games of love

This evening I attened the Dauphines games and it was a night I shall not forget for some weeks.The duc de vauguyon wife has returned the duchess de vaugyon. I knew eventually this day would come where I would have to look her in the eyes knowing that her husband is someone I hold closer then just a dear friend. I didn't know how to react to her return so I did what my fathers letters said " Respect the rank of the ladies above and below you always". So I did just that smiling and curtsying the way I would have done had the circumstances been different.

He asked about "it" and that alone warmed my heart because I thought he would be cold towards me since his wifes arrival but I was suprised by his demeanor. He asked "Has it moved more since our last time together" where he felt it and I was more then happy to tell him of the progress. I am at this place where I know I should feel shame but don't. I know I shouldn't have let this happen but I look forward to the next day when I shall see his face. His warm smile his voice his conversation where he lets me speak my mind although for most men a womens thoughts are nothing but to him they something special and different.

This evening has left more conflicted since I now see his wife before me and I see the pain I cause and I know it hurts her and I don't want to hurt her but I don't want to let go....what am I to do?